March 16, 2042
NEW YORK–AOLTW Chairman Emeritus Steve Case was rushed to a private New York hospital late Thursday following a reported assault by unsolicited commercial email. “We do not want to go into details at this time,” explains AOLTW Chief Security Officer Pamela Spoon. “But we can confirm that Mr. Case, for a number of months, has been stalked and harassed by a significant amount of spam, including messages soliciting mortgage business and offering to enlarge his penis.”
Spam, irritating but typically harmless commercial messages distributed arbitrarily to the public at large, has been known to seriously, and sometimes fatally, injure hosts when sent in large quantities to networked organs and prostheses. “It’s a serious, and clearly documented problem,” notes William Chappamattox, Vice Director of the CalTech Center for Electrohygenics. “I know of at least 23 cases in which spam has caused measurable damage to wireless livers and kidneys. The real shame is that most of the injuries could have been prevented through correct firewall configuration.”
Speaking at his company’s annual meeting, Case last year revealed to shareholders that he had received a number of life-sustaining transplants, including a wireless liver, pancreas, and colon. “I feel 100%,” announced the spry, khaki-panted Case. “My doctors can monitor my blood sugar and fine-tune my insulin levels from any thin client anywhere in the world. I’m feeling better than I have in years.”
Though unconfirmed by AOLTW spokespeople, sources inside Case’s medical team indicate that he recently underwent experimental installation of a Pore-to-Pore Dermal Network designed to increase information exchange among regions of the dermis and to firm and tone his skin. “Steve’s not a vain guy,” explains the inside source. “This wasn’t a vanity thing. It’s just that boyishness was his trademark look. He didn’t want people to think he was losing it.”
“I don’t personally know of any reported injuries resulting from spam sent to one of these pore-to-pore networks,” notes CalTech’s Chappamattox. “But I do know from experience that security is not always the highest priority in the first generation of some of these organs. Scripted pop-ups and pop-unders could conceivably wreak havoc with [Case’s] new skin.”
Though declining to comment on questions concerning the role of Case’s reported dermal installation in the spam assault, AOLTW spokespeople did indicate that the company “is taking appropriate legal action to enjoin continued harassment of Chairman Case.”
In papers filed this week in New York Federal District Court against “John Doe(s) and twelve other unidentified senders of unsolicited commercial email” an AOLTW legal team seeks “temporary and permanent orders enjoining Defendants from sending, relaying, or transmitting electronic messages to any IP address associated with Plaintiff or any of his organs or prostheses,” and further requests “compensatory damages for past, continuous, and ongoing trespass to his organs and person.”
Details concerning Case’s current medical condition are few, limited to a family spokesman’s indication that the situation is “grave” and that he is in “bad shape but good spirits.”