Month: February 2003

Unmanned Aerial President Crashes on Korean Peninsula

March 8, 2041
WASHINGTON DC–Citing what Northrop Grumman engineers have identified as a flaw in specially designed navigation software, spokespeople for the Presidential Cabinet confirmed late Wednesday that the 53rd President of the United States, the first entirely autonomous, mechanical, airborne leader in the western world, has crashed and is likely unrecoverable. “This is a black day for America,” noted a solemn administration spokeswoman. “But it may also be a day of great courage. The American people took a great leap forward when they elected [the President]; may we not now retreat from that great vision.”

The President, widely known by his Northrop development codename “Skipper,” was reportedly surveilling the former Korean De-Militarized Zone when a software flaw led him to “invert” positioning data he received from a network of satellites and ground-based antennae. “Though specific details of the mishap are certainly classified, we can say that a sudden, systematic mis-transformation of positioning data lead the President to believe that up was down and down was up,” explains an unidentified Northrop engineer. “He lost compass and got locked into a fatal feedback flightpath. The closer he got to the ground, the higher he tried to fly, bringing him closer to the ground until he crashed at an apparently high velocity.”

A controversial figure since his election last year, President Skipper gained the confidence of the American people after taking quick, decisive action against a rogue satellite many feared equipped with legacy nuclear weapons. “Nothing beats a President capable of extra-atmospheric sorties with his own air-to-air missiles,” boasts Admiral Wayne Nubbs, head of the U.S. Joint Chiefs. “He’s got high-powered lasers mounted right on his head. No traditional leader can compete with that.”

Though popular for his daring, low-orbit exploits and courageous penetration of foreign, hostile airspace, the President faced mounting pressure at home to reign in military spending and address perennial domestic problems. “Skipper faced some understandable skepticism when it came to military spending,” opines Katherine Zahone, Executive Director of the non-partisan BudgetScope. “Though he was elected by the American people, he was built by major military contractors. That was a real political liability, no question about it.”

Scheduled to be sworn in over the weekend, the Vice President, codenamed “Little Boy,” though little-used over the past year, is reportedly prepared to assume official Presidential duties. “It’s true he hasn’t seen much action,” noted a Northrop engineer during a January New York Times interview. “To be frank, we’ve basically been using him to make toast and heat up coffee. But he’s got every capability that the Skipper’s got. With 45 minutes’ notice we can scramble the Cabinet and he can be airborne with the latest intelligence and a full payload.”

U.S. Citizenship, Now with Free Chicken

November 3, 2027
WASHINGTON DC–In the first of several planned state and federal initiatives designed to attract and retain qualified citizens, U.S. government officials announced Friday the launch of a special program managed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture guaranteeing U.S. citizens a lifetime supply of boneless, uncooked white-meat chicken. “We’re very proud today to fulfill a legendary promise to the American people,” exclaimed USDA Deputy Director Tracey Lapoole. “A chicken in every pot, today, now, for every American, and forever more.”

Delivered daily, five days a week, by U.S. postal carriers, the chicken, initially drawn largely from USDA reserves and purchased in surplus and secondary markets, should be sufficient to satisfy the daily calorie requirements of a grown adult male.

“Though originally we planned to tailor delivery quantities individually, for logistical reasons, we settled on supplying enough chicken per citizen to satisfy the daily needs of the vast majority of Americans,” explains Fredrick Breaker, UDSA VP of Marketing. “That’s almost 40 ounces of white meat per citizen per day. A tall order, but I’m happy to say that, with the cooperation of the Postal Service, we’re up to the task.”

Taking advantage of excess and decommissioned capacity at local and regional post offices, and of an exploding U. S. poultry supply driven by the high-breast yield of contemporary chicken breeds, the plan calls for a gradual shift from dependence on reserves and open market purchases to a system of decentralized production and delivery based around the postal network.

“Eventually, the chicken you get in your box every day will be locally grown and locally slaughtered,” explains Breaker. “Empty sorting facilities will be repurposed as high-efficiency chicken barns, your postman or postwoman will learn an entirely new, challenging skillset, and you’ll get fresh chicken every day.”

In addition, as part of the initiative, the USDA has submitted to Congress a suggested amendment to the Oath of Allegiance to the United States taken by new U. S. citizens. “[The project] is about delivering chicken, but it’s also about winning the hearts and minds,” notes Breaker. “So we’ve suggested that the Oath become more of a two-way street. New citizens promise us their loyalty, and we promise them wholesome chicken.”