Month: June 2002

Amphibious Whale Trailers Survive Tornadoes, Floods

February 8, 2047
GALVESTON–Texas-based Seastream Living Environments Inc. announced Monday the nationwide availability of its line of traditional and double-wide Whailers: portable, sea-worthy trailer homes built on specially-engineered whale chassis and outfitted with all the features and conveniences of conventional trailers. “We are outstandingly proud of our Whailers,” exclaims Seastream CEO Brad de Brad. “A triumph of engineering! We’re using Nature’s solutions to solve Human problems. A real triumph of harmony and elegance over brute-force design.”

The Whailers, initially available in two models–a spacious Gray and a sporty Orca–are custom grown in the company’s Galveston production facility and feature a living room, galley kitchen, master suite with master bath, guest room, wall-to-wall carpeting, and natural-grain vidoleum paneling throughout. “Even though the product is revolutionary in so many ways,” notes Brad. “We were very careful not to neglect any of the creature comforts of a conventional trailer home.”

Designed to endure the unpredictable and destructive weather affecting regions in which trailer homes and trailer parks are popular, Whailers are capable of swimming in both fresh and salt waters and weather rough seas through a series of dives, each lasting between 20 and 45 minutes. “The Whailers are really designed for the parks here along the Gulf Coast, and in the Florida panhandle, where hurricanes and torrential flooding are common,” explains Brad. “As long as you’re parked near water, though, no weather is going to destroy your Whailer. A tornado coming? Just dive into a nearby lake or river and wait it out.”

Additional features include a low-maintenance, all-temperature, natural-color, natural-texture hide requiring only “bi-weekly wetting with an ordinary garden hose” while “ground-parked” or on the included towable, flatbed trailer; two responsive, blinking eyes; a screened-in porch on baleen models; all-natural insulation; and soothing, ambient whale call “just a tickle away.”

Residents in prototype Whailers placed in parks throughout southern Texas over the past year report overall satisfaction with the Whailers: “Safe as houses! That’s all I can say,” recalls one Galveston-area beta resident. “Hurricanes Willard018, Barbara_Big, and HokeyPokemon came through last week. I think I slept through at least two of them.”

Among the few bugs reported were occasionally dangerous, involuntary “tail-flail” during mopping of the bathroom and kitchen, slightly stale air during some prolonged fresh-water dives, and faulty microwave ovens. Seastream reports that all three bugs have been addressed in the production models.

Seastream Gray and Orca Whailers are now available through your local RV and trailer-home dealer. A Humpback model, including a spacious sleeping loft, is scheduled for dealer delivery in the fall.

Rebel Corporations Storm Gaza, West Bank

June 3, 2052
GAZA–In a surprise move Wednesday, squads of U.S. and multinational corporations seized control of key strategic sites throughout Gaza and the West Bank, demanding an end to Palestinian policies disfavoring capital movements and the distribution of consumer goods. “This is not an act of aggression,” explains Dobie Greengrass, VP of Insurgency and Pacification at Procter & Gamble. “Our sole aim is to ensure the security of our customers. Our customers have rights that shall not be overcome.”

The attack, timed to coincide with a local bank holiday and the closure of local bourses, struck private and public targets across the region, including utilities and key media assets. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” exclaims Euclid Finda, Executive Director of Gaza Bank. “Simultaneous buying on a massive scale. Total carnage. Within a matter of 72 hours the rebels had apparent control of eight of the nine largest Palestinian companies. And whatever they didn’t own, they burned.”

Making use of what have been characterized as ‘slash and burn’ tactics, the rebels, lead by prominent U.S. consumer products manufacturers, purchased controlling interest in the Palestinian economy, embargoing or driving into bankruptcy firms they could not purchase. “My business is ruined, and for what?” asks an unidentified West Bank retailer. “My supply lines are cut off. Nobody will sell to me. How long can I hold out without fresh inventory?”

Within hours of the attack, rebel managers, accountants, and consultants descended upon the country, occupying boardrooms, coffee shops, and hotel conference centers. “Sure, there’s some danger,” notes a member of a squad of elite McKinsey & Co. consultants. “Most of these investments are likely to end up worthless. But you accept danger when you’re fighting the good fight. That’s the job we’re here to do.”

International reaction to the attack was quick, but cautious. “It is not our mandate to intervene in the internal affairs of member nations,” explains U.N. General Secretary Maria Trafficante. “The Security Council is monitoring the situation closely, but, to date, no motion has been made towards a serious resolution on the issue either way.”

Employees of insurgent companies showed their support on Friday by wearing specially designed green ribbons. “I’m proud of them,” says an AOL employee of his fellow employees who seized control of Palestinian state-run television. “This is a good day for AOL, and a great day for the Palestinian people.”

Asked about the duration of the occupation, P&G’s Greengrass, speaking for the rebel coalition, declined to characterize the action as an occupation. “This is not an occupation; it’s a liberation. It’s about ensuring that people everywhere have the right to buy and enjoy the goods to which they aspire.”

Biosecurities Asphyxiate Famed Financier

April 16, 2023
PALO ALTO–Under pressure from the Food & Drug Administration and the Securities & Exchange Commission, spokespeople for the family of famed financier Michael Milken confirmed Friday that his death late last month was likely related to his ingestion of experimental, high-yield ‘biosecurities.’ “Mike was an innovator, and a risk-taker,” recalls Lillian Oval, director of the Milken Family Foundation. “Biosecurities were part of his vision for the future, and, though he believed them to be safe, he knew that there were risks. But he was a pioneer, and that’s what a pioneer does.”

Biosecurities, developed by Vitomus, LLC, a privately funded consortium of banks, brokerages, and biotech firms, represent a cutting-edge combination of financial and biological technologies. Each of the ‘securities’ is a “viable, engineered bio-organism” designed with the behaviors and qualities of a financial instrument. “The idea is really quite simple,” explains Erik Ween, Vitomus’ Chief Research Officer. “We take a simple single-celled organism, in some cases even a virus, and redesign it so that it can embody, for example, a convertible debenture, or even just a share of common stock.”

Through the use of advanced techniques for genetically encoding mathematical and computational algorithms, Vitomus’ member engineers have created bacteria whose growth rate mimics the coupon payments associated with some bonds, and have engineered special ciliates whose reproductive cell-division coincides with stock splits. “The trick isn’t really to define biological behaviors to represent financial behaviors. That’s easy enough,” Ween explains. “The essence of these instruments is really trust and authentication. Self-authenticating, encrypted DNA sequences unique to each organism allow you to identify them and know their legitimacy.”

Once ingested, short-term biosecurities typically live in the mouth and throat, with longer-term notes favoring the blood, lower intestines, and abdominal tissue. Transactions between ‘carriers’ are typically achieved through close contact or exchange of bodily fluids.

“It’s really quite a new paradigm in the financial world,” notes Merrill Lynch VP of Private Banking Barry Vary. “What I used to achieve through the touch of a button, I now do with a deep, wet kiss. There’s a new intimacy to high-value transactions that’s really quite refreshing.”

Originally designed as a more private, more secure replacement for the classic ‘bearer bond,’ biosecurities have gained a foothold among wealthy traders eager to avoid the scrutiny of conventional markets and exchanges.

Milken, a vocal advocate of the new instruments and a key member of the Vitomus advisory board, had reportedly converted much of his portfolio to the new securities, and was actively involved in the creation of synthetic and hybrid instruments through novel combinations of the organisms. “Mike was way ahead of all of us,” comments Vitomus’ Ween. “I heard that he was growing lots of synthetic puts and, as you might expect, was heavily into the high-yield end of the spectrum.”

Though the Milken family has declined to identify specific instruments, experts speculate that his untimely death was the result of run-away growth in his high-yield investments. “The doctors have informed us that Mike died as the result of a constricting inflammation in the throat area,” reported a family spokesperson. “And we have been led to understand that this inflammation was the result of the appearance of unusually large colonies of unidentified bacteria.”

Responding to the family’s announcement, Congresswoman Barbie Hi (D-MI), Chair of the House Committee on Edible and Ingestible Objects, put out an immediate call for an investigation: “This is a tragic loss, and it must not be in vain. My promise to the American people is that I will not rest until we know what these things are and what dangers they pose to the public health.”