December 2007 – Futurefeedforward

Paris Hilton Rendered to Offshore Blackshop

May 5, 2016
NEW YORK–Spokespeople for famed Manhattan socialite Paris Hilton report that the three-time heiress was rendered Thursday to an undisclosed, offshore shopping haven known as a “blackshop.” “It was an ambush…we were overwhelmed instantly,” admitted Fred Luchia, Hilton’s tearful head of security. “I’d say six, maybe seven well-trained guys, dressed in black Prada, head to foot, balaclavas […]. She was zipped up in a Gucci body bag and gone before we knew what happened.”

“Rendition,” an emerging practice among high-end retailers and luxury goods companies, involves the abduction of wealthy, high-profile customers who are reportedly detained at baroque, unidentified duty-free camps, often indefinitely and without access to courts, attorneys, or financial advisers. “There are no clear numbers on how many have been taken in this way,” explains Brett Horgaus, an ACLU attorney and head of the organization’s human trafficking task force. “We estimate that as many as 2-3 thousand ultra-wealthy consumers are being held a half-dozen secret sites worldwide. The stigma of these abductions, and the secrecy among the families of those who are targets, lead us to suspect that this estimate may be low.”

Few clues have emerged about the mysterious process and the far-flung operations network that reportedly supports it. June reports in Vanity Fair and the New York Times linked the abductions to a network of unmarked, private jets and anonymous, mid-western front corporations with names like “Houston Dataplan Unlimited” and “Pick-of-the-litter, Inc.”

A more recent account from a purported former detainee includes tales of being forced to shop in stress positions, dancing to exhaustion in clubs playing music at high volumes, and being incessantly coddled by teams of ominous, hooded figures. “For more than 6 months all I heard was ‘spend, spend, spend,'” explains Frank Fetch, the son of a wealthy Minneapolis publishing family. “They wouldn’t let me sleep. I’d start to nod off, and there’d be another handler with an exclusive Manolo Blahnik sneaker or a tray of cashmere Q-Tips. It was exhausting, mentally draining.”

Some investigators have also begun to raise questions about the practice. “The detainees, until now, have been classified as prisoners of a hostile, state-less power,” notes U.S. Internal Revenue spokeswoman Sophie Ticondaroga, “which affords them favorable tax treatment for the duration of their imprisonment. Should we find, however, that the detainees consented to their imprisonment, or otherwise colluded in their abductions, we would likely seek remedies on behalf of the treasury.”

Precinct Collapse Disorder Plagues Coastal Communities

December 9, 2029
MAR VERDE–Like residents in many coastal counties in this affluent area of northern California, local store-owner Dwight Henrikson was surprised to discover Thursday morning that the local sheriff’s office had been inexplicably abandoned. “I got a call yesterday to come down to the station to give a witness statement,” observes Henrikson, “but when I got here, nobody was around. The lights were on, the doors were opened, coffee was brewing, but the place was empty. It was eerie.”

The phenomenon, dubbed “precinct collapse disorder” by social scientists who have studied it, has struck numerous police, fire, and other municipal agencies along the pacific coast and throughout the northwestern United States. “The disorder has placed a particularly intense strain on the system,” notes California Attorney General Edga Meese. “In many cases, the very individuals who’d be investigating these clusters of missing persons are exactly who’s missing. We’re doing what we can to reallocate resources, but it’s been a real challenge.”

The disorder, which has been variously linked to declining health benefits for civil servants, the proliferation of employee RFID tags, and the reported health effects of on-the-job video surveillance, is characterized by the spontaneous disappearance of all employees at a station or agency office. Occasionally a stray, uniformed rookie or two is found sleeping on an office floor or wandering confused in the vicinity. “We are scrambling on this,” explains Dr. Penny Gaspeir, an expert on the disorder. “It appears to have a complex of causes, and there are a number of hypotheses, but we are working on-the-fly, in the hot zone, with lots of conjecture and not much context.”

Most uncanny to residents in affected precincts has been their continued ability to have calls to otherwise abandoned station houses answered promptly and pleasantly. “The weird thing was, when I found the station empty, I called 9-1-1,” elaborates Henrikson. “I heard a phone ring somewhere in the back, there, and then somebody picked up and took down my information.”

“Not many people realize that much of their local service has been outsourced,” continues Dr. Gaspeir, “particularly to offshore call centers, and private evidence labs and real-time on-the-job video monitors. There may not be any officers in the station, but the phones are still answered and much of the work still gets done.”

Cancer Causes Cancer, CDC Concludes

March 2, 2019
ATLANTA–The Centers for Disease Control announced Wednesday the results of a decade-long “meta-study” of more than 75 years’ worth of medical and scientific cancer research, concluding that “the hypothesis best supported by extant research is that the soundest predictor of whether a patient will have developed cancer is whether the patient has developed cancer.” “The most striking finding of the study is not that cancer causes cancer,” explains Dr. Betty Rind of the CDC’s special task force, “but that cancer doesn’t always cause cancer. It’s a key factor–probably the key factor, but it’s not decisive.”

The study was the brainchild of former CDC Director Dr. Henry Swellman, who initiated the $26 billion effort during his short tenure. “I’ve given this quite some thought,” Swellman testified to a Senate subcommittee during his contentious three-month confirmation hearing, “and there are so many potential causes for cancer out there. There’s a simpler, more elegant possibility. What do all cancer patients have in common? That’s going to be the most likely cause, and I intend to find it. The data is there. Now it’s just a question of will.”

Swellman’s team quickly grew to more than 150 doctors, clinicians, and statisticians, who combed archives of peer-reviewed studies and their supporting data for clues to cancer’s elusive cause. The studies and their data were subjected to a series of sophisticated mathematical analyses, including proprietary ‘Monte Carlo simulations,’ multiple regressions, and a recursive set of ‘Hyde transformations.’ “We eventually reached a conclusion that was both surprising and obvious,” notes Dr. Rind, “a number of factors are correlated with the development of cancer, but the highest correlation is actually between the development of cancer and the development of cancer.”

The CDC’s report hypothesizes that the ‘strong yet imperfect’ correlation it found between cancer and the presence of cancer may be related to an esoteric prediction found in the developing field of quantum diagnostics. The so-called ‘uncertainty diagnosis’ suggests that certain medical conditions remain in a state of suspension or uncertainty until diagnosed. “I believe part of what we see in the CDC study is a corollary of diagnostic ‘superposition,'” explains Professor Rudolph Pilegram, a leading proponent of the theory. “Certain diseases are held in a state of seemingly contrary suspension until the moment of diagnosis. Pre-diagnosis, you may simultaneously have cancer and not have cancer. Diagnosis itself resolves the superposition. If you’re diagnosed with it, you have it, if not, you don’t. I believe the imperfect correlation in the CDC study is a side-effect of this phenomenon.”

Asked about the implications of the study, the CDC’s Dr. Rind notes that “the importance of a study like this will really only be seen in retrospect, in the way that it shapes future research. I think what this study tells us, pretty clearly and unequivocally, is that the best way to find effective treatments for cancer is to focus our research efforts on finding effective treatments for cancer.”