Surplus Prisoners to Fill California Teacher Shortage

July 19, 2017
SACRAMENTO–At a joint press conference Friday, officials from the California Department of Education and the California Board of Prison Terms announced that a plan to employ furloughed and work-release prisoners as teachers and teaching aides in California schools is in the final stages of development and likely to enter phase-in implementation during the next school year. “We’re delighted that California once again is at the forefront of creative governance,” exclaimed State Superintendent of Public Instruction Carmen Spatule. “Cross-agency and intra-governmental collaboration has produced a truly innovative, outside-the-box solution to two historically vexing problems of public administration.”

The plan, designed to address both the problems of overcrowding in California prisons and the shortage of teachers in the state’s struggling public education system, releases select, qualified prisoners to teach in the public schools during the day and to be held, with the help of high-tech electronic monitoring systems, under house arrest in school facilities during the night. “It’s really a hand-and-glove fit,” explains Superintendent Spatule. “[The Prison Board] lacks capacity to handle all their clients, while we’ve got lots of space that’s widely under-utilized after school hours. They solve our problem personnel problem and we solve their space problem.”

Commonly employed in the private sector as telemarketers, call-center and help-desk personnel, remote tellers, and contract programmers, prisoners have recently sought and secured training in professions as diverse as nursing, chiropracty, advanced pastry preparation, and medical test subjectry. “Becoming a productive member of society means learning to practice a trade,” notes Friedrich Lime, Vice Superintendent of Folsom Prisoner’s Local 238. “Teaching is a real growth spot in the service sector. Being qualified to teach, and having legitimate teaching experience on your c.v., means a real shot at a stable life once you’re on the outside.”

Reacting to news of the plan, a spokesman for the California Teachers Association, the union representing the majority of teachers in the California public schools, raised concerns about the effect of the plan on the union. “To be frank, we’re concerned about the limitations imposed on the political activities of felons,” explains Chester Meekes, CTA Assistant Press Secretary. “We welcome the expansion of our ranks, our members have been suffering through extreme staff-shortages for years, but, frankly, we’re concerned about a dilution in the Association’s political clout when so many of our new members will have, as felons, lost the right to vote in elections that are essential to our political effectiveness.”

Responding to questions concerning the qualification and accreditation of the new teachers, Superintendent Spatule points to recent shifts in the curriculum from emphasis on the abstract intellectual skills associated with standardized tests to emphasis on practical problem-solving in real-life contexts. “It turns out that many prisoners have life-experience that qualifies them uniquely to work with California students. Prisoners tend to have a sort of real-world pragmatism that has long been lacking in the curriculum. Prisoners also understand the world of today’s young people. Three out of four students in California will spend a year or more in prison. The prisoners have an instant rapport with the students, a sort of credibility that traditional teachers almost never achieve.”

Though declining to identify the districts or prisons to be involved in the program’s initial phase, state officials have indicated that prisoners would be placed, on a small scale, in schools throughout the state during the first and second phases, and that prisoners would be selected from both federal and state institutions on the basis of contrition, good behavior, and dental health.

Foundry Flaw Fells Jackzon Five

July 6, 2048
NEW YORK–Officials from Sony Music Entertainment announced Monday that remaining dates on the Jackzon Five Reunion Tour will be postponed, and possibly cancelled, pending a recall of Michael and Tito Jackzon. “It is with great sadness and regret that we announce what will potentially be the end to the Jackzon tour,” proclaimed Scooter Beverage, Sony VP of Live and Near-Live Performances. “We want the fans to know that whatever is wrong with Michael, he will rise again, and the Jackzons will be back.”

The Jackzon Five, the brainchild of promoter and Jackson family patriarch Joe Jackson, have performed to capacity crowds in Detroit, New York, Brasilia, and Twickenham. Performing a mix of traditional Jackson Five material, solo material from members of the Jackson family, and new material composed by Joe Jackson and based upon a cycle of traditional Celtic dancing songs, the Jackzons have revived interest in American pop music among a generation of young listeners disillusioned with the slick production values and forced whimsy of the contemporary scene.

“I can’t believe the tour is off,” complains a fan with tickets for the Albany show. “The Jackzons are the only thing that’s real in music any more, the only thing with soul, with real roots in the tradition.”

The result of an advanced, experimental production process known as Human Vapor Deposition, the Jackzons were produced from authentic genetic samples taken from each of the Jacksons and refined through a complex process of error-correction based on comparative analyses with the Joe Jackson genome. “No cost was spared in guaranteeing an authentic set of Jackzons,” explains Sony’s Beverage. “The process is cutting edge, just like they were.”

Human Vapor Deposition, modeled after traditional microprocessor production techniques, makes use of a series of filters, or masks, through which light is projected onto a genetically engineered soup or ‘gel.’ Special chemicals in the gel react with differing wavelengths of light, forming a ‘scale’ or ‘dupe.’ The scale is then sliced into cross-sections, each only as thick as the transistor groove on a computer chip. The slices, taken in turn, are sealed in a ‘clean slip’ and exposed to a specialized vapor that bonds to the cross-sections and interacts with the DNA in the gel, activating and disabling genes in accordance with gel arrangements formed during the exposure to the mask. Once the slices are reassembled, a living, breathing Jackzon walks off the line ready to perform.

Sony officials made the decision to recall Tito and Michael shortly after being notified by technicians that a flaw had been discovered in the masks used to produce both. “The Tito mask and the adult Michael mask had miniscule imperfections in them that gave us some concern,” explains Dr. Wilton Clay, the Jackzon custodial physician. “The imperfections were small signatures left behind by the mask designers, like a sort of graffiti. I haven’t seen them myself, but I’m told Tito contains a nanoscopic ‘kilroy’ while Michael’s got a glove making an obscene gesture.”

Though Sony has not released information concerning the medical condition of the recalled Jackzon brothers, Dr. Clay has indicated that they are in “good health,” and that the recall was precautionary in nature. “I saw them both last night,” reports Dr. Clay. “And they were in good spirits. I wouldn’t be surprised if many of the tour dates were reinstated in the near future.”

Jackzon Reunion Tour ticket holders should contact their vendor immediately concerning refunds, exchanges, or in kind compensation.

Nanominers Freed From Collapsed Artery

April 18, 2042
DETROIT–In what researchers at a local hospital are terming a “miraculous rescue,” a crew of 13 nanominers, missing since Friday and feared lost, were discovered trapped inside the collapsed artery of a Lansing, Michigan man who was undergoing an experimental heart disease treatment. “Thank God,” sobbed one member of the medical team responsible for the small devices. “It’s a miracle, that’s all I can say. I never thought I would see them again. It’s truly a miracle.”

The miners, nano-scale devices designed to travel through the bloodstream removing life-threatening plaques from the walls of arteries, were injected into Ernst Lobe, an elderly Michigan man, early last week in a bid to relieve some of the symptoms of advanced arteriosclerosis. Part of a complex team of thousands of nanodevices, the miners, working in conjunction with microscopic conveyors and plaque carts, began clearing Lobe’s system of the clogging deposits.

“This was among the first full-scale tests of the plaque-removal bots,” explains Dr. Kim Kim, director of the clinical team responsible for the devices. “Though they were deployed in a fairly late-stage situation, [the miners] made notable progress before Mr. Lobe expired.”

Shortly after Lobe died of “causes unrelated to the treatment and properly anticipated by the protocol,” the medical team learned that they had lost contact with a special crew of advance-guard miners known as “Deep-Bore Reds.” The crew, responsible for scouting ahead of the main group of miners in order to tag promising formations and mark “cleavages” and “resonant seams,” was apparently swept away and cut-off from the main group during an unexpectedly violent vascular collapse linked directly to Lobe’s death.

“They are totally fearless,” notes Dr. Kim. “Willing to put themselves on the line even in vessels dangerously close to failure. The circulatory system is a dangerous place. The relative pressures are astronomic. For those little guys it’s like working inside an erupting volcano.”

The grueling effort to locate and recover the miners over the subsequent 48 hours pushed Dr. Kim’s team to the limits of human endurance. “Imagine the problem,” exclaims Dr. Kim. “We’ve completely lost contact with them. All of the nanotethers are broken. We’ve got no way to contact them. They could have been swept almost anywhere in the system. There are nearly 100,000 miles of vessels in the human body!”

The miners were eventually discovered trapped in a collapsed section of artery in Mr. Lobe’s leg, and, after overcoming a number of time-consuming mechanical failures, including the accidental breaking of a specialized extraction needle, the team was able to retrieve all 13 miners.

Queried about their 72 hour ordeal, the quantum-computational databases maintained by each of the miners tells a story of despair, will-power, and hope: “Unable to connect with network,” recalls one miner. “Reset turbulence. Unable to connect with network. Unable to connect with network.”

Asked about rumors of a film based on the retreival, Dr. Kim confirms that Disney’s Touchstone studio has secured rights to the miners’ dramatic story and anticipates a Fall release featuring the voice talents of Ben Affleck and Satarine Wembly.