May 28, 2063
WASHINGTON DC–In the wake of recent court decisions upholding rulemaking concerning disclosure requirements for publicly-held individuals, SEC Inc. has begun to market and license apparel designed to satisfy the complex and sometimes arcane regulations. The clothing, marketed as “disclothing,” bears dynamically-updated mandatory personal disclosure statements, and, for post-IPO individuals, a current trading price and volume ticker. “We realize that most individuals who have decided to go public lack the legal and financial resources to thoroughly understand the disclosure requirements to which they are subject,” explains SEC spokesperson Eva Jump. “So we’re trying to bring to market some user-friendly products that’ll make it easier for people to take advantage of the capital markets.”
The garments are made from Light-Emitting Polyester–commonly known as Leppy–and currently include traditional khakis and blue, button-down oxfords. “We are only currently offering two styles of disclothing,” points out Jump. “But we do have agreements with a number of popular manufacturers, including AOL-Gap and J. Crew. They’ll be bringing out some very stylish outfits later this year.”
Each piece of disclothing satisfies disclosure regulations by boldly displaying any recent 8-k filings detailing, in particular, events that may have materially adverse effects upon the individual. “At first I was a little uncomfortable wearing a shirt that said ‘RECENTLY DIVORCED’ and ‘DRINKS DURING LUNCH,'” explains Jamie Dougle, a publicly-held insurance executive and mother of three. “But, once I realized how much easier compliance would be if I wore these clothes, there really wasn’t any decision to make.”
SEC rules now provide a safe-harbor from civil liability for incomplete or improper disclosure for publicly-held individuals wearing disclothing 90% or more of the time they spend in public. The garments measure the amount of time they are worn through random genetic signature tests of the wearer’s skin, measure the time during which they are the outermost garment by means of light-sensitive sensor-threads, and plot all information an a GMT synchronized calendar. GPS triangulation helps the garments to determine when they are in public and when in private, and bluetooth local RF protocols permit all of the garments in an individual’s wardrobe to exchange and synchronize data.
Though lauded for its convenience by the majority of publicly-held individuals nationwide, disclothing is not without its critics. “I opposed the spin-off of the SEC precisely because I knew it would introduce ‘innovations’ like these,” exclaims Senator R. Rodney (G-New Mexico). “We’ve seen little public debate over the accelerated adoption of rules enabling individuals to sell themselves on the market, and now we see the Commission acting more like a private-sector hawker of consumer goods than like an independent regulatory corporation.”
“I know that some people are worried about the ‘privacy’ implications of the clothes,” admits Dougle. “But a lot of the same people told me I was becoming a ‘slave’ by offering myself on the market. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m now publicly owned. Isn’t that what being a real part of the community is all about?”