Category: Future News

Dec. 18, 2071
ORLANDO–At a press conference held late Tuesday to formally announce Cuba’s acquisition of The Walt Disney Company, officials from the Cuban Bureau of Recreation unveiled plans to redevelop Disney properties worldwide. “Disney’s entertainment properties are an ideal fit for us,” noted Cuban Executive Director of Learning Environments Minerva Perez. “This acquisition supplies us with the infrastructure that will enable us to leverage our ideological advantages and get our message out globally.”

Asked about the acquisition, Disney Chairman and CEO Increase Matthews pointed to a “Cuban tradition of tourism and showmanship very familiar to all of us here at Disney,” and declared confidently that, “with the infusion of Cuba’s fresh blood and capital,” the “spirit of Disney will live on into the 22nd century.”

The once powerful entertainment giant’s stock hit an historic low of $.53 in April as attendance at its parks plummeted following public release of FBI crime statistics covering the Orlando and Anaheim properties. “It’s sad to say, but the Disney parks have actually become fairly dangerous,” explains FBI Crime Trends Division spokesman Jerome Hoyle. “Gangs of street kids and mid-life nostalgia vandals roam the grounds. Security is lax because of budget cuts, and they’re desperate enough for gate revenues that they’ve done little to discourage ‘wilding Wednesdays.’ The revenue-boosting liquor concession has only added to the problem.”

Many analysts attribute the decline in Disney’s fortunes to the company’s failure to secure immemorial intellectual property rights in its stock characters, including “Mickey Mouse,” “Donald Duck,” and “Goofy.” Accused of price gouging in merchandise-starved developing markets, Disney late last year lost its twelve-year battle with the WIPO and was forced to dedicate the characters to public use. “That was a huge blow,” notes Jupiter analyst Marie Cacke. “Disney’s character-branded merchandise revenues crashed as everybody and their uncle crowded into the market for Mickey t-shirts. From there, things at Disney spiraled out of control even quicker than most of us expected.”

Cuba’s plans for the Disney parks are extensive, and include the development of free, park-wide healthcare, co-operative ownership of individual rides and attractions, and emancipation of the bioengineered characters that roam the grounds. The country also plans extensive revision of the “theme” of the parks. Cuba’s Perez explains: “Traditionally, the Disney parks have been distorted monuments to industrial capitalism, its ‘Frontierland’ colonial past and its ‘Tommorrowland’ future. We’re planning a more well-rounded vision, including a newly designed ‘the people’s land,’ and a special new ride: ‘Indiana Jones and the Sweatshop of Doom.'”

In an irony lost on few, Cuba is funding the Disney acquisition with revenues generated by worldwide sales of its popular Fidel-branded merchandise. Iconic images of Cuba’s former president, including Fidel watches, t-shirts, and key chains, are expected to be available in Disney stores by month’s end. Cuban officials are reported to have contacted topiary experts throughout the world concerning the best shrubs to plant in the shape of the beloved Castro.

Dec. 14, 2050
WASHINGTON DC–The U.S. National Intellectual Property Trust today issued a formal recall of all licenses issued under its patents covering consumerism, consumer capitalism, and consumer federalism. Responding to questions concerning the timing of the recall, Trust spokesman Franklin Dolte noted that “we at the Trust have decided to take aggressive and proactive measures to address several independent but uncorroborated reports of side effects associated with some of our more widely licensed proprietary ideologies. Experts are examining the processes in question and we anticipate returning consumerism to full use in good order. But our customers and their citizens are our first concern and so we’re taking steps now to initiate a recall just to be on the safe side.”

Among the first of the controversial ‘social process’ or ‘ideology’ patents issued under rules promulgated by the WIPO six years ago, the U.S. patent on consumerism and related “democratic social and cultural processes” has been among the most lucrative patents in the U.S. portfolio. Licensees include some 1822 local, provincial, and national sovereignties, the majority of which hold site licenses paying royalties tied to domestic and local GDP, with the remainder holding seat licenses billed on a sliding scale with discounts for ‘temporary’ seats assigned to non-resident aliens and escaped or furloughed penitentiarents.

Recently the U.S. Trust has sought to expand the market for its consumerism patents by pursuing the private-sector. The Trust’s Dolte explains: “This technology sells itself. The real task before us is not to convince multi-nationals to make use of our proprietary ideologies, but just to negotiate the terms under which they will pay for the property they are already using.”[p]
Long-time rumors of defects in consumer capitalism, including accelerating income disparities and “environmentally negative externalities” lead the U.S. Trust to compile a 1200 page disclaimer issued and exhaustively counter-signed by each of its licensees. “Diarrhea,” “mouth-breathing,” and “TV” are among the more than 100,000 disclosed potential side-effects. Absent from the disclaimer, however, is the risk of an increase in what social scientists have come to call “atomic nesting.”

“Atomic nesting is directly related to dramatic increases in the production and availability of household appliances,” explains MIT Professor Emeritus Ricky Spongue. “All of those appliances need places to live. In order to maximize their habitat, they entice individuals to set up solitary households. The result is that more and more people live alone, and that is not necessarily a desirable social outcome.”

Responding to questions linking the recall to reported increases in atomic nesting in licensee communities, Trust spokesman Dolte declined specific comment. “This is a general recall to examine any and all safety issues,” he noted. “Our license agreements provide for recalls of this sort. Licensees are free to revert to pre-consumer ideologies and social structures until we’ve reaffirmed that consumerism is safe for our customers and their citizens.”

Feb. 11, 2016
MIAMI–Recently released details concerning Fox Studio’s planned May launch of the XXXFL confirms that players will be outfitted with high-tech, mesh nanotube uniforms designed by Fox Labs scientists in collaboration with researchers at IBM and Stanford University. “We’re very excited about the XXXFL and about the innovative technology that will make it the hottest new sport since Survivor,” explains Fox Sports Programming VP Jerry Reale. “These new uniforms offer superior injury-protection to the players and still let us bring you the first all nude full-contact sport. This is another perfect example of cutting-edge technology enabling great TV.”

Constructed of bundled and twisted-pair carbon nanotube fibers, the uniforms are the first to realize the promise of years of applied “nanogarment” research. “I pioneered the whole field of nanogarments years ago with a simple goal,” notes Stanford Professor of Nanoscience Lars Figgs, “I simply wanted to design the skimpiest garment possible. After some early missteps, I had a paradigm-shaking realization. Rather than enhancing skimpiness by minimizing coverage, I could, instead, engineer garments that covered most of the body but which were made of a nano-scale mesh effectively invisible to the human eye. Nano-mesh garments both maximize exposure and, when tailored, offer superior body-sculpting support.”

The invisible mesh of the XXXFL nanogarment uniforms protects players from injury during the games’ rambunctious “downs” by exploiting the superior strength of carbon nanotube fibers, engineered versions of which enjoy nearly 1000 times the strength of steel at one tenth the weight. “Because the XXXFL is a full-contact, co-ed sport, we were looking for an equipment solution which would offer some equalizing protection to our smaller players,” explains Fox’s Reale. “The piezoelectric joints and seams absorb tackling impact, reducing the advantage of brute force. And, the push-up tubetops and codpieces make sure the players always look hot.”

The uniforms have also been designed to take advantage of some of the semi-conducting properties of nanotubes. Powered by piezoelectric “buckyball-and-joint” nodes, the uniforms act as wireless, wearable computers, offering full player motion-capture and high-resolution impact-capture. “By the end of this first season, or, at the latest, the beginning of the next, we’ll release full-contact immersion uniforms for home viewers under the ‘NakedI’ label,” notes Reale. “Through Fox, you’ll be able to subscribe to your favorite players, and, once you’re online, we’ll send the impact data to you realtime. When Rod Steele or Lily Lush get tackled, you’ll feel it at home just the way they do on the field.”

The XXXFL uniforms also implement nanotube based Field Emission Displays (FED) that emit colored light in response to impact and body heat. “When players are hit, you’ll see kaleidoscopes of color dance across our bodies,” explains a uniform-demonstrating player from the Miami Goo Fighters. “When we’re injured or flushed, you’ll see that too.”

Responding to critics, Fox’s Reale is quick to point to the history of sport for precedent: “Some people have said that the XXXFL is exploitative and that it’s not a real sport, but look at the Olympics. Classically, Olympians competed in the nude. Sports is a celebration of the human body, and that’s what the XXXFL is too.”

The XXXFL season is scheduled to begin May 15 when the Tennessee T&A play the Dallas Drillers in Enron Arena.

Oct. 31, 2014
WASHINGTON DC–The mysterious disorder that has afflicted more than a dozen members of the U.S. Senate has recently spread to the House of Representatives where 42 new cases were reported during the past two weeks. Known as ‘Mouth-in-Mouth,’ the disease interferes with the ability to speak, alternately causing “unwanted” speech and preventing victims from speaking at all. “This is killing our effectiveness,” notes House Appropriations Committee Staff Counsel Judy Ale. “Governing is a verbal process. When Members can’t speak, the work of governing doesn’t get done.”

Mouth-in-Mouth, formally known as Uvular Alter-Mandibular Tourette-Variant Disorder (“UAT”), causes a secondary, toothless “mouth” to form in the back of mouth, around the posterior border of the soft palate. Through interaction with both involuntary and speech centers of the brain, this second mouth causes sometimes explosive and inappropriate speech. Dr. Jules Nobe of Johns Hopkins Medical Center explains: “The UAT ‘mouth,’ though not, anatomically, a true mouth, develops neuro-muscular structures of surprising complexity, complex enough to, in effect, speak.”

Control of the UAT mouth, however, remains entirely involuntary. Dr. Nobe continues: “The peculiar thing about the unwanted speech associated with Mouth-in-Mouth is how sensitive it is to the conscious, ‘sub-conscious,’ and ‘unconscious’ sentiments of the victim. Most other forms of unwanted speech are context insensitive, but UAT speech appears to articulate thoughts that victims intend to keep secret. And UAT seems particularly sensitive to prevarication. When UAT sufferers try to fib, even just to exaggerate, the UAT mouth intervenes and causes them, instead, to speak the ‘truth.'”

Though little is yet known about the causes of Mouth-in-Mouth, researchers speculate that it is caused by a ‘Distributed Emergent Viral Entity’ (“DEVE”), a class of mutagenic viruses responsible for coordinated physiological and behavioral symptoms. “DEVEs are a perplexing new development,” explains CDC Epidemiologist Harriet Suit. “They affect complex, higher-order behaviors in such a sophisticated and seemingly guided way that we suspect that they possess some sort of collective intelligence. Looking at Mouth-in-Mouth, for instance, we keep asking ourselves why it is only striking members of Congress. Is it just that we can’t figure out the infecting vector, or is there something else going on?”

Reacting to the spreading infection, some Members of the House have proposed draconian containment measures. The House Rules Committee is currently considering a measure requiring the destruction of all affected Members and of all unaffected Members serving on sub-committees with affected Members. The measures call for immediate incineration of Congressional carcasses. “We’ve got to take serious steps to contain Mouth-in-Mouth,” exclaims Rep. Brian Dolte (R-Nebraska). “We’ve got to cut out the infection before it spreads and topples the whole government.”

At least one afflicted Senator, however, is looking on the bright side: “I’ve noticed at least some special benefits,” explains ranking Senate Republican Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). “Little ‘o’, that’s what I call my other mouth, sings pretty good harmony with my regular mouth, which is great for my music career. You should hear us do Amazing Grace. He doesn’t always sing the right words, but he sounds great.”