Category: Future News

July 19, 2017
SACRAMENTO–At a joint press conference Friday, officials from the California Department of Education and the California Board of Prison Terms announced that a plan to employ furloughed and work-release prisoners as teachers and teaching aides in California schools is in the final stages of development and likely to enter phase-in implementation during the next school year. “We’re delighted that California once again is at the forefront of creative governance,” exclaimed State Superintendent of Public Instruction Carmen Spatule. “Cross-agency and intra-governmental collaboration has produced a truly innovative, outside-the-box solution to two historically vexing problems of public administration.”

The plan, designed to address both the problems of overcrowding in California prisons and the shortage of teachers in the state’s struggling public education system, releases select, qualified prisoners to teach in the public schools during the day and to be held, with the help of high-tech electronic monitoring systems, under house arrest in school facilities during the night. “It’s really a hand-and-glove fit,” explains Superintendent Spatule. “[The Prison Board] lacks capacity to handle all their clients, while we’ve got lots of space that’s widely under-utilized after school hours. They solve our problem personnel problem and we solve their space problem.”

Commonly employed in the private sector as telemarketers, call-center and help-desk personnel, remote tellers, and contract programmers, prisoners have recently sought and secured training in professions as diverse as nursing, chiropracty, advanced pastry preparation, and medical test subjectry. “Becoming a productive member of society means learning to practice a trade,” notes Friedrich Lime, Vice Superintendent of Folsom Prisoner’s Local 238. “Teaching is a real growth spot in the service sector. Being qualified to teach, and having legitimate teaching experience on your c.v., means a real shot at a stable life once you’re on the outside.”

Reacting to news of the plan, a spokesman for the California Teachers Association, the union representing the majority of teachers in the California public schools, raised concerns about the effect of the plan on the union. “To be frank, we’re concerned about the limitations imposed on the political activities of felons,” explains Chester Meekes, CTA Assistant Press Secretary. “We welcome the expansion of our ranks, our members have been suffering through extreme staff-shortages for years, but, frankly, we’re concerned about a dilution in the Association’s political clout when so many of our new members will have, as felons, lost the right to vote in elections that are essential to our political effectiveness.”

Responding to questions concerning the qualification and accreditation of the new teachers, Superintendent Spatule points to recent shifts in the curriculum from emphasis on the abstract intellectual skills associated with standardized tests to emphasis on practical problem-solving in real-life contexts. “It turns out that many prisoners have life-experience that qualifies them uniquely to work with California students. Prisoners tend to have a sort of real-world pragmatism that has long been lacking in the curriculum. Prisoners also understand the world of today’s young people. Three out of four students in California will spend a year or more in prison. The prisoners have an instant rapport with the students, a sort of credibility that traditional teachers almost never achieve.”

Though declining to identify the districts or prisons to be involved in the program’s initial phase, state officials have indicated that prisoners would be placed, on a small scale, in schools throughout the state during the first and second phases, and that prisoners would be selected from both federal and state institutions on the basis of contrition, good behavior, and dental health.

April 18, 2042
DETROIT–In what researchers at a local hospital are terming a “miraculous rescue,” a crew of 13 nanominers, missing since Friday and feared lost, were discovered trapped inside the collapsed artery of a Lansing, Michigan man who was undergoing an experimental heart disease treatment. “Thank God,” sobbed one member of the medical team responsible for the small devices. “It’s a miracle, that’s all I can say. I never thought I would see them again. It’s truly a miracle.”

The miners, nano-scale devices designed to travel through the bloodstream removing life-threatening plaques from the walls of arteries, were injected into Ernst Lobe, an elderly Michigan man, early last week in a bid to relieve some of the symptoms of advanced arteriosclerosis. Part of a complex team of thousands of nanodevices, the miners, working in conjunction with microscopic conveyors and plaque carts, began clearing Lobe’s system of the clogging deposits.

“This was among the first full-scale tests of the plaque-removal bots,” explains Dr. Kim Kim, director of the clinical team responsible for the devices. “Though they were deployed in a fairly late-stage situation, [the miners] made notable progress before Mr. Lobe expired.”

Shortly after Lobe died of “causes unrelated to the treatment and properly anticipated by the protocol,” the medical team learned that they had lost contact with a special crew of advance-guard miners known as “Deep-Bore Reds.” The crew, responsible for scouting ahead of the main group of miners in order to tag promising formations and mark “cleavages” and “resonant seams,” was apparently swept away and cut-off from the main group during an unexpectedly violent vascular collapse linked directly to Lobe’s death.

“They are totally fearless,” notes Dr. Kim. “Willing to put themselves on the line even in vessels dangerously close to failure. The circulatory system is a dangerous place. The relative pressures are astronomic. For those little guys it’s like working inside an erupting volcano.”

The grueling effort to locate and recover the miners over the subsequent 48 hours pushed Dr. Kim’s team to the limits of human endurance. “Imagine the problem,” exclaims Dr. Kim. “We’ve completely lost contact with them. All of the nanotethers are broken. We’ve got no way to contact them. They could have been swept almost anywhere in the system. There are nearly 100,000 miles of vessels in the human body!”

The miners were eventually discovered trapped in a collapsed section of artery in Mr. Lobe’s leg, and, after overcoming a number of time-consuming mechanical failures, including the accidental breaking of a specialized extraction needle, the team was able to retrieve all 13 miners.

Queried about their 72 hour ordeal, the quantum-computational databases maintained by each of the miners tells a story of despair, will-power, and hope: “Unable to connect with network,” recalls one miner. “Reset turbulence. Unable to connect with network. Unable to connect with network.”

Asked about rumors of a film based on the retreival, Dr. Kim confirms that Disney’s Touchstone studio has secured rights to the miners’ dramatic story and anticipates a Fall release featuring the voice talents of Ben Affleck and Satarine Wembly.

March 2, 2008
SACRAMENTO–The Institute of Public Services, a privately funded, California-based think tank, announced Wednesday the filing of a suit in California Federal District Court challenging that state’s recently implemented voucher program for police, ambulance, and fire and rescue services. “It is our belief that the [California measures] represent a gross derogation of the state’s duty to protect all of its citizens equally,” announced Geraldine Finwage, the Institute’s chief counsel. “The voucher program is essentially a wholesale privatization of these key government functions.”

The California program, in place since October, issues vouchers to each California resident on a monthly basis. The vouchers can in turn be used by residents to offset the cost of service subscriptions from a wide range of security and fire safety service providers. “Vouchers are about leveling the playing field,” explains California State Representative Ben Crinkle (L-Newport Beach). “They’re about giving people a choice about who polices their streets. Your local police department under-performing? Can’t keep your community safe from gangs and drugs? Well, now you can go elsewhere.”

The voucher system, administered through a centralized, web-accessible database, tracks residents’ service-provider choices and, through close integration with emergency calling systems, directs 911 and related calls to the appropriate provider.

“I’ve noticed a real jump in quality and performance since I switched to Wackenhut policing,” notes one Irvine, California resident. “I used to call all the time about those kids loitering around the Del Taco on Friday nights. Some threatening types with baggy pants and real pointy hair. The regular cops wouldn’t really do anything. Too busy I guess. The Wackenhut guys, though, they really follow through. Those kids haven’t been back in weeks.”

Critics of the system point to concerns about a potential gap in quality of service: high-quality, customer-centric private sector firms offering services to those who can afford to pay an amount greater than the average voucher value, while low-income residents receive inferior service from under-funded public providers, or from fly-by-night discount firms. “Where do you think the funding comes from?” asks Finwage. “The vouchers allow middle-class and upper-middle-class residents to siphon funds out of the public system, to just drain it dry.”

Private sector providers have been quick to respond to market demand for premium and luxury services such as guaranteed maximum response times and 24 hour Temporary Restraining Order enforcement. “We’re doing nothing more than offering the same high-quality services we offered before the [voucher program] went into effect,” notes a Wackenhut sales representative. “The only difference is that the vouchers put our white-glove services within reach of the average homeowner.”

The Institute’s suit, including its request for a preliminary injunction limiting state-wide deployment of the voucher system, is scheduled for hearing this Fall, Wednesdays at 11:30 on CSPAN3.

June 3, 2052
GAZA–In a surprise move Wednesday, squads of U.S. and multinational corporations seized control of key strategic sites throughout Gaza and the West Bank, demanding an end to Palestinian policies disfavoring capital movements and the distribution of consumer goods. “This is not an act of aggression,” explains Dobie Greengrass, VP of Insurgency and Pacification at Procter & Gamble. “Our sole aim is to ensure the security of our customers. Our customers have rights that shall not be overcome.”

The attack, timed to coincide with a local bank holiday and the closure of local bourses, struck private and public targets across the region, including utilities and key media assets. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” exclaims Euclid Finda, Executive Director of Gaza Bank. “Simultaneous buying on a massive scale. Total carnage. Within a matter of 72 hours the rebels had apparent control of eight of the nine largest Palestinian companies. And whatever they didn’t own, they burned.”

Making use of what have been characterized as ‘slash and burn’ tactics, the rebels, lead by prominent U.S. consumer products manufacturers, purchased controlling interest in the Palestinian economy, embargoing or driving into bankruptcy firms they could not purchase. “My business is ruined, and for what?” asks an unidentified West Bank retailer. “My supply lines are cut off. Nobody will sell to me. How long can I hold out without fresh inventory?”

Within hours of the attack, rebel managers, accountants, and consultants descended upon the country, occupying boardrooms, coffee shops, and hotel conference centers. “Sure, there’s some danger,” notes a member of a squad of elite McKinsey & Co. consultants. “Most of these investments are likely to end up worthless. But you accept danger when you’re fighting the good fight. That’s the job we’re here to do.”

International reaction to the attack was quick, but cautious. “It is not our mandate to intervene in the internal affairs of member nations,” explains U.N. General Secretary Maria Trafficante. “The Security Council is monitoring the situation closely, but, to date, no motion has been made towards a serious resolution on the issue either way.”

Employees of insurgent companies showed their support on Friday by wearing specially designed green ribbons. “I’m proud of them,” says an AOL employee of his fellow employees who seized control of Palestinian state-run television. “This is a good day for AOL, and a great day for the Palestinian people.”

Asked about the duration of the occupation, P&G’s Greengrass, speaking for the rebel coalition, declined to characterize the action as an occupation. “This is not an occupation; it’s a liberation. It’s about ensuring that people everywhere have the right to buy and enjoy the goods to which they aspire.”