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FCC to Auction Definite, Indefinite Articles

May 8, 2032
WASHINGTON–In a bid to “foster innovation” and “encourage the efficient use of public resources,” the U.S. Federal Communications Commission announced Tuesday plans to auction exclusive rights to the use of the English definite and indefinite articles. “For a number of years the Commission has been studying the possibility of enhancing the value of English through selective privatization of some of its features,” explains FCC Chairwoman Glenda Friedboot. “The auction we propose today is the first Commission initiative implementing the lessons of that research. It is also a test initiative, designed to gauge the effectiveness of a broader privatization policy.”

The auction will affect use of the English words “a,” “and,” and “the,” as well as any “derivatives or functional equivalents,” and will bestow upon the highest bidder the exclusive right to license use of the words in all digital media. “It’s important the people understand that the auction applies only to digital media, and not to conventional print or face-to-face conversation,” explains Chairwoman Friedboot. “Partly that’s because of technical limitations. The licensing we hope to foster depends upon computer-driven and enforced rights management schemes that aren’t currently feasible offline. But we also recognized the importance of protecting the historic practice of free, unlicensed use of many parts of speech in daily conversation.”

An FCC report issued alongside the auction announcement describes a state of “stagnation” in the area of “language technologies.” “The committee was unable to discover a single recent innovation in the use or function of many grammatical mechanisms,” noted the report. The committee went on to note that “distribution of rights in and to many of these mechanisms would likely provide sufficient incentive, in the form of licensing revenues, to spur investment and drive innovation in an important but otherwise static intellectual asset.”

The bidding system proposed by the Commission includes the sale of rights to the articles on a regional basis, with winning bidders acquiring the right to license use of the articles in all digital formats within a bounded geographic area. “Local control of media assets has always been an important value here at the Commission,” explains Chairwoman Friedboot. “So we require that all bidding entities be majority owned by members of the geographic regions they serve.”

Critics of the plan acknowledge its potential to raise billions of dollars for the public coffers, but point to the risks of privatizing key public resources. “This auction is simply a corporate giveaway,” exclaims Robert Desk, executive director of the Commons Defense Force (CDF). “The local ownership rules are a joke, and easily circumvented through a series of shells and dummy corporations. We’ve dug down in the list of preliminary bidders, and what we’ve found behind the mask of local ownership is, almost universally, big media companies like AOL, KT, and NPR. This plan is just going to extend already excessive private control over public discourse.”

A number of planned legal challenges to the FCC auction, including one joined by the CDF, argue that the sale infringes important free speech rights by privatizing words. “We’ve looked carefully at the [free speech] issue and designed the auction accordingly,” responds Chairwoman Friedboot. “The auction does not actually sell rights to the words ‘a’, ‘an’, and ‘the’. The plan offers only the rights to the definite and indefinite articles as grammatical functions. People will still be free to use the words, as long as they are not used as articles. By the same token, people will not be permitted to make unlicensed substitutions for the articles. Assigning rights in the grammar is key to driving substantial innovation in language. We don’t want to simply encourage cosmetic changes in the look and sound of words.”

Though a number of potential bidders were pre-qualified during a plan feasibility study, the period of bidder qualification begins officially today and is scheduled to run through the end of the year.

Japanese Royal Family Escapes from Habitat, Search Continues

July 4, 2058
TOKYO–Officials from the Walt Disney Company confirmed early this morning that several members of the Japanese Royal family, including the reigning Empress, have fled the specially-maintained habitat in which they live. Though their current whereabouts are unknown, they are believed to still be in the Tokyo area. “We are very concerned for their health and safety,” noted a solemn Disney representative. “[Disney] enjoy[s] a very close relationship to the family, and we’ve taken on a commitment to preserving Imperial culture and practices. We feel responsible and are doing everything within our power to bring them home.”

The Imperial habitat, a multi-billion dollar park, including a replica of the Imperial Palace and the surrounding, attraction-filled grounds, has served as the Imperial residence since construction was completed twelve years ago. “No expense was spared in replication of detail,” notes Tokyo University Professor of Architecture Watanabe Jiro. “The chief alterations were in scale. The replica, I believe, is almost three times larger than the original. This was in order to accommodate walkways and observation posts for park visitors, and to allow space for tunnels for park staff.”

The park, known as ‘Imperial World,’ has become a key local attraction, drawing millions of visitors each year. Designed to offer visitors a glimpse into the sheltered and venerable life of the royal family, the park includes more than 800 discrete vantage points, or ‘blinds.’ “The goal was to permit people to view the royal family with as little disruption as possible,” explains Professor Watanabe. “And so it was key that the vantage points be as hidden as possible from the point of view of the family. Drawing on a number of traditions, including the English ha-ha, and through judicious placement of one-way glass and oblique transoms, they’ve put together a remarkably seamless habitat that still gives visitors a chance to really experience the royals up close.”

There had been few signs of trouble at the Disney-managed park, say officials, though a long-term project to encourage reproduction among the royals has recently stalled. “It’s a difficult situation for them as you can imagine,” explains park genealogist Herbert Shimbun. “They were shy and retiring in their old environment, but the move has just made them even less outgoing. We’ve made a number of efforts to introduce potential matches into the environment, but without any luck.”

The escaped members of the family, including the Empress, two of her children and three of their cousins, apparently slipped through a concealed door used by park staff when it was inadvertently left ajar after the park closed for the night. “We can confirm that they left through a maintenance door in the kyudo hall,” reports a park security official. “Doors are typically secured to keep visitors from encroaching on the habitat, but, after closing, we tend to let our guards down a bit. You can be sure a lapse like this won’t happen again.”

Though heated discussion about the controversial assignment of the Imperial World concession to Disney, a foreign company, had only recently died down, members of the Japanese public are hesitant to blame the company. “We’re not worried about who to blame,” explains a man waiting in a ticket line outside the Imperial World gates. “We just want them back safe.”

Disney officials expressed similar sentiments. “There’s nothing like being able to bring a people this close to their heritage,” notes a Disney spokesman. “I’ve seen the look on children’s faces when the Crown Prince is just on the other side of some glass, just inches away. It’s priceless.”

Members of the public are advised to report sightings of any members of the family to their local police substation. The public is also cautioned not to feed the royals, as they require a traditionally prepared diet, and not to allow them to watch TV or come in contact with synthetic fabrics.

Nanocelebrities Dance on Head of Pin

June 3, 2046
CAMBRIDGE–Researchers at the MIT Media Lab announced Friday the successful construction of a nano-scale “boy band” capable of performing complex, synchronized dance routines on the head of a pin. “Creating [the band] was part of a larger, long-term effort here at the Lab to humanize nano-scale user interfaces,” notes Professor Ambrose Stone, director of the research team. “[The band] will act as goodwill ambassadors from the world of ubiquitous [nano-electro-mechanical devices].”

The band, known as “5-N-Love,” consists of five autonomous, nanoscopic animatrons, each equipped with full-range, posable bucky-ball-and-socket joints, a quantum-computational “nervous system,” and a signature hairstyle. “Beau is the cute one,” explains Professor Stone, “while Jack’s a little more mysterious, a little ‘dangerous.'”

Each of the “5” are driven by evolved personality algorithms maintained on a portable server. “The real challenge was to develop a wireless technology that would enable nano-macro interactions,” notes Stone. “We wanted fairly robust behavioral models, more robust than could be accommodated in the boys themselves, so we had to devise a special personality server to make sure that Steve could be consistently and believably dreamy and that Jack would be complex enough to make it through rehab if he needs to. AI like that just can’t be done on their scale, at least not yet.”

The team, though, is careful to point out that the project isn’t all nuts-and-bolts. “Sure, we’re proud of the technical feat, but that’s only half of what we’re doing,” explains Ivan Sulk, leader of the team responsible for designing the band’s outfits and choreography. “This is also a feat of cultural engineering. One of our goals, for example, is to test the Skolm-Jennings Miniaturization-Affect hypothesis, which links cuteness to miniaturization. What we’ve done with 5-N-Love really lends empirical support to their work because, well, Beau is just so damn cute. We’ll know for sure once we see how high they chart.”

On the strength of heavy rotation on two of the major-labels, the band’s first single “All your kisses are belong to us” seems to be doing quite well during it’s first week, charting within the top quintile of new releases. “This isn’t just about dancing and singing humanoid nanobots,” exclaims Professor Stone. “This is about making nanobots cool and popular, about giving them a familiar, human face that puts people at ease and gets them excited for some good pop music.”

Performing on their pin-head stage during the shooting of their first video, the band was relaxed and confident. “Hey, we’ve got flash,” noted Steve.

“Yeah, we sparkle,” Beau joined in.

Tyson Markets Organic, Free-range Surrogates

April 4, 2004
SPRINGDALE, ARK.–Grey Mountain Surrogates Inc., a subdivision of meat processing and biological services giant Tyson Foods, launched Friday a nation-wide campaign advertising its ‘Natural Mother’ organic surrogacy service. “We’re very pleased to be able to offer the highest-quality surrogacy on the market,” notes Grey Mountain president of operations Harald Spine. “In Natural Mother we offer a convenient, labor-saving service that also provides a more wholesome, healthy gestation environment than most mothers could manage on their own.”

According to company marketing materials, Grey Mountain offers “only the cleanest, most healthy surrogates. [The] surrogates live only in communal, cooperatively managed communities nestled in pristine mountain forests.” All surrogates are “certified drug and hormone free” and are fed an “organic, vegetarian diet high in vegetable protein and supplemented with natural fish oils for improved brain and neurological development.”

Grey Mountain surrogates also follow an “adaptive, physician-designed exercise regimen,” including “regular, fresh-air walks on our beautiful country grounds,” and all are housed in a “high-stimulus environment, including exposure to classical music and clinically-designed resonance recordings of a maternal voice for maximum in-utero stimulation.”

“We want people to know that our surrogates are dedicated 24 hours a day to the healthy gestation of their children,” explains Spine. “We’ve designed a comfortable, idyllic habitat in a natural, toxin-free environment. What could be better?”

Responding skeptically to news of the campaign, longtime Tyson critic Dr. Henriette Jostle of the Center for Medical Responsibility points to historical shortcomings in several of Tyson’s surrogacy ventures. “We’ve heard this ‘all natural’ story before and the reality usually bears no resemblance to the spin. I’ve been to the Grey Mountain facility and I doubt it’s changed much. What I saw was a warehouse filled with Barcaloungers lined up armrest-to-armrest. The surrogates were eating TV dinners and the floor was just covered with peas-n-carrots and that aluminum packaging. And, sure they got to walk in the open, once a day, supervised, otherwise they were locked in the ‘house’ to protect the ‘product.'”

Dr. Jostle has also charged Tyson with engaging in ‘double-batching’ and ‘term-acceleration.’ “There are huge efficiency pressures in the surrogate market, and companies like Tyson try to maximize the output of their surrogates in a number of ways,” explains Jostle. “Typically they’ll induce labor just at the point of viability in order to free-up surrogates. Often customers will receive ‘full term’ babies without realizing that they’ve been maintained in company nurseries for months. Companies will also often ‘double batch,’ co-gestating two, and sometimes even three, unrelated fetuses. Standard industry practices are simply horrifying.”

Tyson’s surrogacy subsidiaries have also run afoul of various labor groups, including the Somatic Workers of America which last year charged Tyson subsidiary Deer Lick Glades Inc. with the illegal smuggling of non-U.S. workers. “Tyson regularly employs non-union and undocumented surrogates,” charges SWA steward Quentin Thrush. “We have undisputed evidence that Tyson has paid to smuggle illegal surrogates across borders hidden in the cockpits of buses. They become a captive workforce, unable to demand decent, humane working conditions.”