Julia Robertz’ Bowel Obstructed by Reusable Kraft Single

Nov. 3, 2045
HOLLYWOOD–Anonymous, inside sources at the Los Angeles County Medical Center confirmed this morning that celebrity clone Julia Robertz has been admitted and is receiving treatment for a “severe, septic bowel obstruction due to excess and/or abusive ingestion of reusable food products.” Spokespeople for Ms. Robertz’ studio, Buena Vista Pictures, have reported since Monday that Robertz was suffering from dehydration and acute exhaustion after long hours on the set of her new film “My Bezt Friend’z Wedding.” “Julia has been working very hard for a break like ‘Bezt Friend,'” explained her agent, Freddie Lore. “She’s been living in the shadow of her dam, and this was going to be her chance to show the public what she can do on her own. She’s been giving it all she’s got and she just overdid it a bit.”

Robertz, among the first generation of studio-raised stars, overcame a troubled childhood and tumultuous adolescence only to be passed over for parts in favor of her more experienced and still youthful dam. “Unlike Clint or Meryl Ztreep, Julia still had to compete with her Oscar(TM)-winning ‘parent,'” explained Lore. “She did everything the studio said. She worked hard for the ‘younger, wilder, out-of-control’ thing they said would help distinguish her from the other Julia. And it finally was starting to pay off. But now it looks to be picking up a sort of tragic spin.”

According to close friends, “cheesing,” or “krafting,” was among the activities the studio encouraged Robertz to pursue. The controversial practice, popular among actresses and models, restricts practitioners’ diets to nutrient-rechargable, reusable foods, particularly slices of Kraft American Cheese. “We’re noticing an alarming trend with respect to ‘cheesing,'” explains prominent Malibu nutritionist Dr. Kelly Gesamt. “I’ve seen several patients recently who have eaten only Reusable Singles for weeks at a time. And often, in order to completely satisfy their appetites, they are eating them in bulk.”

The Singles, made of an absorbent, nutrient-selective self-assembling smart polymer known as “Mylkar,” are marketed as a nutritionally complete non-caloric “snack supplement.” The Singles come pre-soaked in a bath of key nutrients and flavoring agents and the Mylkar, vapor-deposited in a complex lattice structure, has the appearance, texture, and bite-chew coefficient of traditional cheese food. “Our Reusable Singles are a great appetite satisfier as well as being nutritionally valuable,” notes Kraft spokesman Henri LeGliche. “They simulate fully the experience of traditional ingestion without the caloric complications and are the perfect complement to a healthy, weight-reducing diet.”

Once expelled from the body, the Mylkar lattice quickly reforms the original Single, which can then be washed, recharged with nutrients, and reused. “Reusability was an important design goal for us,” notes LeGliche. “Given the relatively high materials costs involved in the Mylkar manufacturing process, we felt that re-usability was important in order to keep the Singles at an accessible, mass-market price-point.”

Friends indicate that Robertz engaged in ‘deep cheesing,’ both for its cachet and to compete with Ms. Roberts. “Julia thought, and I guess the studio did too, that she could compete with the other Julia in terms of being thinner, having a better body. I guess she wasn’t really thinking about the risks.”

Though medical details about her condition remain unavailable, experts speculate that Robertz consumed dozens of Singles that then prematurely reformed in her digestive tract, causing a life-threatening obstruction. Dr. Gesamt explains: “It’s just like what’s happened lately here with the plumbing in Malibu. People here just flush the Singles because they can afford to. At some point enough of them are around that they start to reassemble into these mega-Single blockages in the system and you have to call out the public works guys to clear out the lines. The same thing could just as easily happen in the human digestive tract when people eat too much of this stuff.”

Sources inside L.A. County Medical Center describe Robertz’ condition as “touch and go.”