Category: Undead Celebrities

February 8, 2016
ANAHEIM–In court filings Monday, Orange County District Attorney Bruno Chen alleges that the death last April of actor Matthew Perry was the result of months of “coerced labor and forced detention” in “sweatshop-style facilities dedicated to the production of interactive situation comedy programs.” Declining to comment on the ongoing investigation, DA Chen announced the formation of a specialized taskforce committed to investigating and prosecuting the owners of sweatshops who “[exploit] actors in pursuit of a quick buck.”

Discovered by a neighbor in an abandoned Anaheim condominium allegedly owned by the brother-in-law of Carrie Gloo, president of a production company specializing in interactive situation comedy, Perry’s body reportedly showed signs of dehydration, malnutrition, and advanced exhaustion. “It was terrible, really terrible,” recalls Able Carney, who has lived in the neighborhood for more than 13 years. “The conditions, just appalling. Those ugly bars on all the doors and windows. People going in and out at all hours of the day and night. We all knew something was going on in there, but nobody seemed to know what.”

Interactive programming, like that on which Perry was reportedly working, permits members of the audience to fully immerse themselves in the show and to interact with the characters, shaping the plot and influencing the development of the characters. Typically achieved through a combination of high-end computer simulations and pre-recorded ‘cutscenes,’ interactive programming, though popular with advertisers, is prohibitively expensive. “Few people really understand the economics of the whole thing,” notes Variety reporter Dan Dime. “Because the ad revenue’s there, everybody wants to be in iProgramming, but, because there’re huge, pre-pilot development costs to build the simulations, coupled with the very real chance of a flop, there’s lots and lots of pressure to cut costs.”

A number of studios, including Warner Brothers, the owner of Perry’s contract, have begun to outsource ‘scenariation,’ the cycle-consuming development of the computer-based simulations upon which interactive programming depends. “It’s really pretty simple,” explains Dime. “The studio hires out development to a mom-and-pop shop that turns around and saves money by using antiquated motion-capture equipment and working the actors to the bone.”

To avoid the costs of deriving algorithms complex enough to adequately simulate the movements, poses, and gestures of actors, producers use digital equipment to record actors’ movements as they respond to hundreds, and sometimes thousands of possible contingencies. “iProgramming unfolds dynamically, in response to audience input,” explains Dime. “So the show has got to be ready for lots of possibilities. It’s almost like a chess game. At first, there are only so many possible moves, but, if you’re trying to anticipate even just three of four moves on down the line, it gets pretty out of control.”

Police reports filed with the court by District Attorney Chen indicate that Perry “suffered injuries consistent with prolonged and abusive motion capture,” including “bilaterally symmetric spot-bruising at key corporal vertices consistent with unsanitary affixation of motion capture reflectors.” Reports further describe ankle-bruising matching the “grip signature” of shackles found by investigators chained to a cot in an upstairs bedroom in the Anaheim condo.

“All evidence indicates that Mr. Perry was held for a number of weeks during which he was made to enact ‘scenarios’ for his situation comedy for between 16 and 19 hours a day,” notes an investigative memo. “Aggressive, exemplary prosecution of both the property-owner and the employer are recommended.”

Representatives of the Screen Actors Guild, applauding the District Attorney’s initiatives, noted that the Guild “has been actively drawing attention to the increasingly grave and abusive working conditions faced by many of our members. Our sincerest hope is that something good, in the form of better legal protections for actors, can come from this tragedy.”

Though promotional spots for ‘Friend,’ the comedy on which Perry was working at the time of his death, continue to be available in most areas, production of the show has been halted, pending outcome of the litigation.

March 4, 2005
NEW YORK–ABC news magazine “20/20” reporter John Stossel, accidentally decapitated late last month while shooting a segment “debunking the myth of wind power,” returns to the air Wednesday in a special interview with 20/20 anchor Barbara Walters. “It’s really an amazing story,” explains Walters. “Most people wouldn’t even survive decapitation, let alone have the guts, the determination, to keep doing their jobs. It’s a real triumph of the human spirit.”

Injured during the filming of “Oil is Good Food,” a series of reports looking skeptically at the promise of “alternative energy,” Stossel was struck when the 73-foot fiberglass blade of a wind turbine began to rotate unexpectedly. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” recalls ABC cameraman Josh Eager. “John wanted to get a shot on this platform right in front of the blades there, just to dramatize that, you know, the wind isn’t always blowing enough to turn the things and make power when Wham! it just took his head right off. I never did see where it landed.”

Emergency personnel responding to the accident were astounded to find that, despite the loss of a significant amount of blood, Stossel appeared conscious and responsive. “It was really the quick thinking of the camera crew that saved him,” noted a paramedic on the scene. “Somebody had some training and knew how to tie off the major arteries. That’s what kept him alive.”

Doctors at a nearby Madison, Wisconsin hospital responded quickly to the unusual injury with a novel surgical procedure. “I had never before seen a survivor of decapitation, so we all had questions about how to proceed,” explains Dr. Margery Welppe, leader of the surgical team. “My training lead me to consider reattachment, but no head had been recovered. There also seemed no real possibility of a transplant of any sort, so we improvised, closing the vascular circuits and trying to close the neck as best we could.”

Medical explanation for Stossel’s survival remains vague and uncertain, though several experts point to the reporter’s “enteric nervous system” or “gut brain” as the possible source of his continued vitality.

The enteric system, a complex network of nerves located in and around the intestines of all mammals and long thought to control digestive processes, is known to make use of nearly all of the neuronal processes previously thought exclusive to the brain. “It’s true that the enteric system is much more complex that has been traditionally thought,” explains Professor Hillary Rind of the Harvard Medical School. “But, at least until now, nobody imagined it capable of assuming responsibility for the higher order functions of personality and rational thought.”

Talking to reporters through a vocoder linked to special “contact microphones” affixed to his neck, Stossel explained his reasons for returning to work so quickly after such a traumatic injury: “The wool is being pulled over our eyes by so-called ‘environmentalist’ do-gooders and I’m determined to put a stop to it. Did you know that wind power is millions of times more wasteful than oil or coal? Do you know how much wind just goes to waste without producing one volt? People talk all about the dangers of nuclear power, but what about the dangers of solar power? The sun is responsible for tens of thousands of cases of skin cancer each year. How much cancer do you think has been linked to nuclear power?”

Responding angrily to questions about his decision to forego use of a prosthetic head, Stossel noted that he felt no embarrassment about being headless and that colleagues at ABC agreed that he has done some of his best work in years since the accident: “Do I wish it hadn’t happened? Sure. Am I any less of a reporter just because I haven’t got a head? No way.”

July 4, 2058
TOKYO–Officials from the Walt Disney Company confirmed early this morning that several members of the Japanese Royal family, including the reigning Empress, have fled the specially-maintained habitat in which they live. Though their current whereabouts are unknown, they are believed to still be in the Tokyo area. “We are very concerned for their health and safety,” noted a solemn Disney representative. “[Disney] enjoy[s] a very close relationship to the family, and we’ve taken on a commitment to preserving Imperial culture and practices. We feel responsible and are doing everything within our power to bring them home.”

The Imperial habitat, a multi-billion dollar park, including a replica of the Imperial Palace and the surrounding, attraction-filled grounds, has served as the Imperial residence since construction was completed twelve years ago. “No expense was spared in replication of detail,” notes Tokyo University Professor of Architecture Watanabe Jiro. “The chief alterations were in scale. The replica, I believe, is almost three times larger than the original. This was in order to accommodate walkways and observation posts for park visitors, and to allow space for tunnels for park staff.”

The park, known as ‘Imperial World,’ has become a key local attraction, drawing millions of visitors each year. Designed to offer visitors a glimpse into the sheltered and venerable life of the royal family, the park includes more than 800 discrete vantage points, or ‘blinds.’ “The goal was to permit people to view the royal family with as little disruption as possible,” explains Professor Watanabe. “And so it was key that the vantage points be as hidden as possible from the point of view of the family. Drawing on a number of traditions, including the English ha-ha, and through judicious placement of one-way glass and oblique transoms, they’ve put together a remarkably seamless habitat that still gives visitors a chance to really experience the royals up close.”

There had been few signs of trouble at the Disney-managed park, say officials, though a long-term project to encourage reproduction among the royals has recently stalled. “It’s a difficult situation for them as you can imagine,” explains park genealogist Herbert Shimbun. “They were shy and retiring in their old environment, but the move has just made them even less outgoing. We’ve made a number of efforts to introduce potential matches into the environment, but without any luck.”

The escaped members of the family, including the Empress, two of her children and three of their cousins, apparently slipped through a concealed door used by park staff when it was inadvertently left ajar after the park closed for the night. “We can confirm that they left through a maintenance door in the kyudo hall,” reports a park security official. “Doors are typically secured to keep visitors from encroaching on the habitat, but, after closing, we tend to let our guards down a bit. You can be sure a lapse like this won’t happen again.”

Though heated discussion about the controversial assignment of the Imperial World concession to Disney, a foreign company, had only recently died down, members of the Japanese public are hesitant to blame the company. “We’re not worried about who to blame,” explains a man waiting in a ticket line outside the Imperial World gates. “We just want them back safe.”

Disney officials expressed similar sentiments. “There’s nothing like being able to bring a people this close to their heritage,” notes a Disney spokesman. “I’ve seen the look on children’s faces when the Crown Prince is just on the other side of some glass, just inches away. It’s priceless.”

Members of the public are advised to report sightings of any members of the family to their local police substation. The public is also cautioned not to feed the royals, as they require a traditionally prepared diet, and not to allow them to watch TV or come in contact with synthetic fabrics.

June 3, 2046
CAMBRIDGE–Researchers at the MIT Media Lab announced Friday the successful construction of a nano-scale “boy band” capable of performing complex, synchronized dance routines on the head of a pin. “Creating [the band] was part of a larger, long-term effort here at the Lab to humanize nano-scale user interfaces,” notes Professor Ambrose Stone, director of the research team. “[The band] will act as goodwill ambassadors from the world of ubiquitous [nano-electro-mechanical devices].”

The band, known as “5-N-Love,” consists of five autonomous, nanoscopic animatrons, each equipped with full-range, posable bucky-ball-and-socket joints, a quantum-computational “nervous system,” and a signature hairstyle. “Beau is the cute one,” explains Professor Stone, “while Jack’s a little more mysterious, a little ‘dangerous.'”

Each of the “5” are driven by evolved personality algorithms maintained on a portable server. “The real challenge was to develop a wireless technology that would enable nano-macro interactions,” notes Stone. “We wanted fairly robust behavioral models, more robust than could be accommodated in the boys themselves, so we had to devise a special personality server to make sure that Steve could be consistently and believably dreamy and that Jack would be complex enough to make it through rehab if he needs to. AI like that just can’t be done on their scale, at least not yet.”

The team, though, is careful to point out that the project isn’t all nuts-and-bolts. “Sure, we’re proud of the technical feat, but that’s only half of what we’re doing,” explains Ivan Sulk, leader of the team responsible for designing the band’s outfits and choreography. “This is also a feat of cultural engineering. One of our goals, for example, is to test the Skolm-Jennings Miniaturization-Affect hypothesis, which links cuteness to miniaturization. What we’ve done with 5-N-Love really lends empirical support to their work because, well, Beau is just so damn cute. We’ll know for sure once we see how high they chart.”

On the strength of heavy rotation on two of the major-labels, the band’s first single “All your kisses are belong to us” seems to be doing quite well during it’s first week, charting within the top quintile of new releases. “This isn’t just about dancing and singing humanoid nanobots,” exclaims Professor Stone. “This is about making nanobots cool and popular, about giving them a familiar, human face that puts people at ease and gets them excited for some good pop music.”

Performing on their pin-head stage during the shooting of their first video, the band was relaxed and confident. “Hey, we’ve got flash,” noted Steve.

“Yeah, we sparkle,” Beau joined in.