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Paris Hilton Rendered to Offshore Blackshop
May 5, 2016

NEW YORK--Spokespeople for famed Manhattan socialite Paris Hilton report that the three-time heiress was rendered Thursday to an undisclosed, offshore shopping haven known as a "blackshop." "It was an ambush...we were overwhelmed instantly," admitted Fred Luchia, Hilton's tearful head of security. "I'd say six, maybe seven well-trained guys, dressed in black Prada, head to foot, balaclavas [...]. She was zipped up in a Gucci body bag and gone before we knew what happened." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
related stories:LVMH, Prada to Replace Luxury Goods with Warrants
Japanese Royal Family Escapes from Habitat, Search Continues
U.S. Federal Government to Move Offshore

Precinct Collapse Disorder Plagues Coastal Communities
December 9, 2029

MAR VERDE--Like residents in many coastal counties in this affluent area of northern California, local store-owner Dwight Henrikson was surprised to discover Thursday morning that the local sheriff's office had been inexplicably abandoned. "I got a call yesterday to come down to the station to give a witness statement," observes Henrikson, "but when I got here, nobody was around. The lights were on, the doors were opened, coffee was brewing, but the place was empty. It was eerie." (full story)

filed in:future news
related stories:Surplus Prisoners to Fill California Teacher Shortage
Home-Jailing More Popular than Home-Schooling

Cancer Causes Cancer, CDC Concludes
March 2, 2019

ATLANTA--The Centers for Disease Control announced Wednesday the results of a decade-long "meta-study" of more than 75 years' worth of medical and scientific cancer research, concluding that "the hypothesis best supported by extant research is that the soundest predictor of whether a patient will have developed cancer is whether the patient has developed cancer." "The most striking finding of the study is not that cancer causes cancer," explains Dr. Betty Rind of the CDC's special task force, "but that cancer doesn't always cause cancer. It's a key factor--probably the key factor, but it's not decisive." (full story)

filed in:future news
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'Mouth-in-Mouth' Disease Decimates House, Senate
Mnemonic Plague Aerosoluable, Easily Weaponized

Google Body: Users Find Asses with Both Hands
August 18, 2022

MOUNTAIN VIEW--Information search giant Google, Inc. announced Thursday the release of Google Body, a search service aiming to index the internal and external anatomy of every living creature on the planet. "Google has long been dedicated to making information both useful and universally accessible," notes Google VP of Product Development Eric Hind. "We're happy now to extend search to information about human bodies, mine and yours, inside and out, from the number of follicles on my head to the length of the President's toenails." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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New Clothing Line to Help Publicly-Held Individuals
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Socal Skyfires Scorch Subprime Skytellites
October 18, 2018

RIVERSIDE--City and county fire officials admitted Thursday that 14 of the reported 22 skyfires burning in and around Riverside county remain untamed this evening. "Crews continue to work through the night," explains Fire Chief Lacey Birnier. "I'm told that some 400 homes have been damaged or destroyed, and that another 1,200 are threatened. Our people know what's at stake, and, to the man, not one has faltered. The next 24 to 48 hours will determine whether these fires can be contained." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Who is Satchel Pincher?
November 22, 2004

WASHINGTON DC--Futurefeedforward is proud to announce the availability of the second chapter in the chronicle of its rise to power. In this chapter, the company's GC, one Satchel Pincher, makes a spectacle of himself, but to what purpose? We sat down with Mr. Pincher to discuss his new-found fame. (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
related stories:What Ever Happened to Futurefeedforward?

What Ever Happened to Futurefeedforward?
October 10, 2004

WASHINGTON DC--Temporal services and research start-up Futurefeedforward announced today the availability of the beta version of the first chapter from the eponymous chronicle of the company's rise to power and economic splendor. (full story)

filed in:future news
related stories:Who is Satchel Pincher?
Futurefeedforward Cuts 18,000 Jobs
New Company Tells Future, Sells Future
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