Syringe Found in Egg, ADM Disclaims Responsibility

Sept. 11, 2045
DECATUR, IL–Colin Bert, a local Illinois farmer and father of six, was shocked last week to crack open an egg and discover a miniature syringe suspended in the yolk. “I was simply bowled over,” exclaims Bert. “I’ve heard of this happening on the beach in New Jersey or somewhere. I never thought I’d find stuff like this here in Decatur, let alone inside my eggs. I expected more from ADM.”

An official statement from ADM contends that “it is impossible that a syringe could insinuate itself into the egg manufacturing process. Any claim to the contrary will be referred to our legal department.”

Already a number of similar claims have surfaced, including that of Rene Feete of Irvine, California whose videotaped egg dissection, revealing a human tooth, has been featured prominently on local news broadcasts. Other claims allege discovery of a Band-Aid, tweezers, bottle caps, and a miniature latex glove inside ADM eggs.

Egg sales have jumped sharply in the past week, prompting speculation that ADM has secretly fed the rumors in hopes of capitalizing on consumers’ hunger for product liability strike suits. “Reverse-spin PR has always been in the Madison Avenue arsenal,” points out media pundit Skip Rogers. “This could be a real gutty move on the part of ADM.”

Industry analysts go further, citing a recent patent filing by ADM that claims proprietary interest in “genetically modified laying poultry expressing genotypically determinable propensity to produce co-ovulary sucro-polymer figurines for marketing and promotional purposes.” Shirley Funk, lead Bio-foods Analyst at Merrill Lynch explains: “Kids already follow the exploits of characters like Brainywheat(TM) and Mechacorn(TM) on ADM’s popular BEASTer webcast. Then they look for the edible figurines in their cereal boxes in the morning. I suspect that what we’re seeing are some early missteps in tie-in marketing linking ADM’s popular show to a newly engineered egg.”

While the theories fly fast and furious, ADM stock continues to climb in heavy trading. “The syringe thing is a PR godsend for ADM traders,” says one source.

“I just want medical waste off my plate and back on the beach where it belongs,” maintains Bert.