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Unmanned Aerial President Crashes on Korean Peninsula
March 8, 2041

WASHINGTON DC--Citing what Northrop Grumman engineers have identified as a flaw in specially designed navigation software, spokespeople for the Presidential Cabinet confirmed late Wednesday that the 53rd President of the United States, the first entirely autonomous, mechanical, airborne leader in the western world, has crashed and is likely unrecoverable. "This is a black day for America," noted a solemn administration spokeswoman. "But it may also be a day of great courage. The American people took a great leap forward when they elected [the President]; may we not now retreat from that great vision." (full story)

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U.S. Citizenship, Now with Free Chicken
November 3, 2027

WASHINGTON DC--In the first of several planned state and federal initiatives designed to attract and retain qualified citizens, U.S. government officials announced Friday the launch of a special program managed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture guaranteeing U.S. citizens a lifetime supply of boneless, uncooked white-meat chicken. "We're very proud today to fulfill a legendary promise to the American people," exclaimed USDA Deputy Director Tracey Lapoole. "A chicken in every pot, today, now, for every American, and forever more." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Bush II Never President, Historians Conclude
January 13, 2081

WASHINGTON DC--In the most recent issue of the Proceedings of the Archivist of the United States, a crack team of historians led by Harvard Professor Emeritus Ruth Ascidy announced the conclusion of a sixteen year study of the 43rd U.S. President during which the team determined "to a degree approaching absolute historical certainty" that "the 43rd President of the United States was not, as supposed by some popular conspiracy theories, George W. Bush." (full story)

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Strom Thurmond Cannot Die: Immortality a Reality
New Company Tells Future, Sells Future
At Last, Kids You Can Be Proud Of, Guaranteed

NASD to Open Attention Exchange
September 2, 2016

NEW YORK--Representatives of the National Association of Securities Dealers unveiled on Friday plans for a nationwide, electronic exchange specializing in the sale, bundling, tranching and swapping of attention and attention-based derivative instruments. "We're very excited about the possibilities of the attention market," notes NASD Executive Director Francine Yenk. "The [exchange] will enable real-time trading on multiple scales and will introduce to the attention market unprecedented regularity and liquidity." (full story)

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Intelligent Trusts Infest Indianapolis
March 16, 2016

INDIANAPOLIS--Officials from the Consumer Protection Division of the Indiana Attorney General's office revealed Monday that a recent spate of consumer goods shortages and price spikes in the state are the result of "aggressive, opportunistic and potentially criminal" purchasing and investment activities conducted by an unknown number of "autonomous, intelligent trust investment vehicles" active largely in the Indianapolis and Bloomington areas. "We'd like to assure the good people of Indiana that we're taking the necessary steps to curtail inflationary speculation by these trusts," announced Indiana Attorney General Bernhard Hearty. "Prices will return to normal; life will return to normal." (full story)

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Hibernating Actor Uncovered on Antiques Roadshow
October 1, 2132

MALIBU--A Malibu, California woman was surprised to learn Friday during a taping of PBS's popular Antiques Roadshow that an unusual wardrobe stored for more than fifty years in her aunt's attic is in fact a high-tech, bio-preservation chamber containing hibernating television actor David Schwimmer. "I'm as shocked as anyone," exclaims the woman. "I have no idea where [my aunt] would have gotten something like this. I doubt she even knew what she had." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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Austrian Team Splits 'Ding-An-Sich'
September 18, 2014

VIENNA--Writing in this month's issue of the journal Science, a team of researchers at the Vienna University of Technology report a breakthrough discovery in the field of noumenal physics. Working in a state-of-the-art lab equipped with a specialized chamber capable of compressing objects to 1/1,000,000th of their normal size through the use of high-energy, self-contained 'gravity pits,' the team managed to uncover, and then split, a never before isolated entity known as a 'ding-an-sich' or a 'thing-in-itself.' (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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MIT Scientist Discovers 'Anti-Money'
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