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Hibernating Actor Uncovered on Antiques Roadshow
October 1, 2132

MALIBU--A Malibu, California woman was surprised to learn Friday during a taping of PBS's popular Antiques Roadshow that an unusual wardrobe stored for more than fifty years in her aunt's attic is in fact a high-tech, bio-preservation chamber containing hibernating television actor David Schwimmer. "I'm as shocked as anyone," exclaims the woman. "I have no idea where [my aunt] would have gotten something like this. I doubt she even knew what she had." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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Austrian Team Splits 'Ding-An-Sich'
September 18, 2014

VIENNA--Writing in this month's issue of the journal Science, a team of researchers at the Vienna University of Technology report a breakthrough discovery in the field of noumenal physics. Working in a state-of-the-art lab equipped with a specialized chamber capable of compressing objects to 1/1,000,000th of their normal size through the use of high-energy, self-contained 'gravity pits,' the team managed to uncover, and then split, a never before isolated entity known as a 'ding-an-sich' or a 'thing-in-itself.' (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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Apple Announces New Pink PiggyMac
May 8, 2045

CUPERTINO--With its customary flair for the dramatic, Apple computer announced Wednesday the back-to-school availability of the 'PiggyMac,' a bioengineered Macintosh computer embedded in a living, breathing piglet. "This little piggy does the markets/This little piggy's a phone," sang the cast of the hit Broadway musical 'The Sopranos' from behind a darkened scrim, onstage at the company's Cupertino amphitheater. "This little piggy's got the most beef/That Redmond piggy's got none." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Surplus Prisoners to Fill California Teacher Shortage
July 19, 2017

SACRAMENTO--At a joint press conference Friday, officials from the California Department of Education and the California Board of Prison Terms announced that a plan to employ furloughed and work-release prisoners as teachers and teaching aides in California schools is in the final stages of development and likely to enter phase-in implementation during the next school year. "We're delighted that California once again is at the forefront of creative governance," exclaimed State Superintendent of Public Instruction Carmen Spatule. "Cross-agency and intra-governmental collaboration has produced a truly innovative, outside-the-box solution to two historically vexing problems of public administration." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Foundry Flaw Fells Jackzon Five
July 6, 2048

NEW YORK--Officials from Sony Music Entertainment announced Monday that remaining dates on the Jackzon Five Reunion Tour will be postponed, and possibly cancelled, pending a recall of Michael and Tito Jackzon. "It is with great sadness and regret that we announce what will potentially be the end to the Jackzon tour," proclaimed Scooter Beverage, Sony VP of Live and Near-Live Performances. "We want the fans to know that whatever is wrong with Michael, he will rise again, and the Jackzons will be back." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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Nanominers Freed From Collapsed Artery
April 18, 2042

DETROIT--In what researchers at a local hospital are terming a "miraculous rescue," a crew of 13 nanominers, missing since Friday and feared lost, were discovered trapped inside the collapsed artery of a Lansing, Michigan man who was undergoing an experimental heart disease treatment. "Thank God," sobbed one member of the medical team responsible for the small devices. "It's a miracle, that's all I can say. I never thought I would see them again. It's truly a miracle." (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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LVMH, Prada to Replace Luxury Goods with Warrants
April 6, 2014

MILAN--In a move extending last season's alliance between design firms Prada and LVMH, the two announced Monday that significant portions of each of the major lines from the two houses would be replaced this season by warrants for the purchase of designer outfits and furnishings. "It has always been among our deepest convictions that good design should be more widely available," explains LVMH Chief of Initiatives Basil Sprout. "Good design is for the People, for all of the people, and this warrant initiative ensures that great design is within the means of the masses." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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