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Surplus Prisoners to Fill California Teacher Shortage
July 19, 2017

SACRAMENTO--At a joint press conference Friday, officials from the California Department of Education and the California Board of Prison Terms announced that a plan to employ furloughed and work-release prisoners as teachers and teaching aides in California schools is in the final stages of development and likely to enter phase-in implementation during the next school year. "We're delighted that California once again is at the forefront of creative governance," exclaimed State Superintendent of Public Instruction Carmen Spatule. "Cross-agency and intra-governmental collaboration has produced a truly innovative, outside-the-box solution to two historically vexing problems of public administration." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Foundry Flaw Fells Jackzon Five
July 6, 2048

NEW YORK--Officials from Sony Music Entertainment announced Monday that remaining dates on the Jackzon Five Reunion Tour will be postponed, and possibly cancelled, pending a recall of Michael and Tito Jackzon. "It is with great sadness and regret that we announce what will potentially be the end to the Jackzon tour," proclaimed Scooter Beverage, Sony VP of Live and Near-Live Performances. "We want the fans to know that whatever is wrong with Michael, he will rise again, and the Jackzons will be back." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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Nanominers Freed From Collapsed Artery
April 18, 2042

DETROIT--In what researchers at a local hospital are terming a "miraculous rescue," a crew of 13 nanominers, missing since Friday and feared lost, were discovered trapped inside the collapsed artery of a Lansing, Michigan man who was undergoing an experimental heart disease treatment. "Thank God," sobbed one member of the medical team responsible for the small devices. "It's a miracle, that's all I can say. I never thought I would see them again. It's truly a miracle." (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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LVMH, Prada to Replace Luxury Goods with Warrants
April 6, 2014

MILAN--In a move extending last season's alliance between design firms Prada and LVMH, the two announced Monday that significant portions of each of the major lines from the two houses would be replaced this season by warrants for the purchase of designer outfits and furnishings. "It has always been among our deepest convictions that good design should be more widely available," explains LVMH Chief of Initiatives Basil Sprout. "Good design is for the People, for all of the people, and this warrant initiative ensures that great design is within the means of the masses." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Group Opposes Vouchers for Police, Fire Services
March 22, 2008

SACRAMENTO--The Institute of Public Services, a privately funded, California-based think tank, announced Wednesday the filing of a suit in California Federal District Court challenging that state's recently implemented voucher program for police, ambulance, and fire and rescue services. "It is our belief that the [California measures] represent a gross derogation of the state's duty to protect all of its citizens equally," announced Geraldine Finwage, the Institute's chief counsel. "The voucher program is essentially a wholesale privatization of these key government functions." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Spam Stalks Steve Case, Attacks
March 16, 2042

NEW YORK--AOLTW Chairman Emeritus Steve Case was rushed to a private New York hospital late Thursday following a reported assault by unsolicited commercial email. "We do not want to go into details at this time," explains AOLTW Chief Security Officer Pamela Spoon. "But we can confirm that Mr. Case, for a number of months, has been stalked and harassed by a significant amount of spam, including messages soliciting mortgage business and offering to enlarge his penis." (full story)

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Mnemonic Plague Aerosoluable, Easily Weaponized
November 2, 2027

ATLANTA--Researchers from the Centers for Disease Control reported Thursday that Mnemonic Plague--a mysterious and debilitating disorder affecting the brain--can be readily transformed into a highly-infectious weapon that could be easily spread using a crop duster, lawn sprinkler, or even a simple, everyday atomizer. "On its own, [Mnemonic Plague] is contagious and characterized by a long, pre-symptomatic incubation period," notes Dr. Hillary Jest, CDC Director of Emergent Disorders. "Recent research indicates that it can also quite easily be refined and deployed as an agent of bioterrorism." (full story)

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