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LVMH, Prada to Replace Luxury Goods with Warrants
April 6, 2014

MILAN--In a move extending last season's alliance between design firms Prada and LVMH, the two announced Monday that significant portions of each of the major lines from the two houses would be replaced this season by warrants for the purchase of designer outfits and furnishings. "It has always been among our deepest convictions that good design should be more widely available," explains LVMH Chief of Initiatives Basil Sprout. "Good design is for the People, for all of the people, and this warrant initiative ensures that great design is within the means of the masses." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Group Opposes Vouchers for Police, Fire Services
March 22, 2008

SACRAMENTO--The Institute of Public Services, a privately funded, California-based think tank, announced Wednesday the filing of a suit in California Federal District Court challenging that state's recently implemented voucher program for police, ambulance, and fire and rescue services. "It is our belief that the [California measures] represent a gross derogation of the state's duty to protect all of its citizens equally," announced Geraldine Finwage, the Institute's chief counsel. "The voucher program is essentially a wholesale privatization of these key government functions." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Spam Stalks Steve Case, Attacks
March 16, 2042

NEW YORK--AOLTW Chairman Emeritus Steve Case was rushed to a private New York hospital late Thursday following a reported assault by unsolicited commercial email. "We do not want to go into details at this time," explains AOLTW Chief Security Officer Pamela Spoon. "But we can confirm that Mr. Case, for a number of months, has been stalked and harassed by a significant amount of spam, including messages soliciting mortgage business and offering to enlarge his penis." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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Mnemonic Plague Aerosoluable, Easily Weaponized
November 2, 2027

ATLANTA--Researchers from the Centers for Disease Control reported Thursday that Mnemonic Plague--a mysterious and debilitating disorder affecting the brain--can be readily transformed into a highly-infectious weapon that could be easily spread using a crop duster, lawn sprinkler, or even a simple, everyday atomizer. "On its own, [Mnemonic Plague] is contagious and characterized by a long, pre-symptomatic incubation period," notes Dr. Hillary Jest, CDC Director of Emergent Disorders. "Recent research indicates that it can also quite easily be refined and deployed as an agent of bioterrorism." (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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Amphibious Whale Trailers Survive Tornadoes, Floods
February 8, 2047

GALVESTON--Texas-based Seastream Living Environments Inc. announced Monday the nationwide availability of its line of traditional and double-wide Whailers: portable, sea-worthy trailer homes built on specially-engineered whale chassis and outfitted with all the features and conveniences of conventional trailers. "We are outstandingly proud of our Whailers," exclaims Seastream CEO Brad de Brad. "A triumph of engineering! We're using Nature's solutions to solve Human problems. A real triumph of harmony and elegance over brute-force design." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Rebel Corporations Storm Gaza, West Bank
June 3, 2052

GAZA--In a surprise move Wednesday, squads of U.S. and multinational corporations seized control of key strategic sites throughout Gaza and the West Bank, demanding an end to Palestinian policies disfavoring capital movements and the distribution of consumer goods. "This is not an act of aggression," explains Dobie Greengrass, VP of Insurgency and Pacification at Procter & Gamble. "Our sole aim is to ensure the security of our customers. Our customers have rights that shall not be overcome." (full story)

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Biosecurities Asphyxiate Famed Financier
April 16, 2023

PALO ALTO--Under pressure from the Food & Drug Administration and the Securities & Exchange Commission, spokespeople for the family of famed financier Michael Milken confirmed Friday that his death late last month was likely related to his ingestion of experimental, high-yield 'biosecurities.' "Mike was an innovator, and a risk-taker," recalls Lillian Oval, director of the Milken Family Foundation. "Biosecurities were part of his vision for the future, and, though he believed them to be safe, he knew that there were risks. But he was a pioneer, and that's what a pioneer does." (full story)

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