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Amphibious Whale Trailers Survive Tornadoes, Floods
February 8, 2047

GALVESTON--Texas-based Seastream Living Environments Inc. announced Monday the nationwide availability of its line of traditional and double-wide Whailers: portable, sea-worthy trailer homes built on specially-engineered whale chassis and outfitted with all the features and conveniences of conventional trailers. "We are outstandingly proud of our Whailers," exclaims Seastream CEO Brad de Brad. "A triumph of engineering! We're using Nature's solutions to solve Human problems. A real triumph of harmony and elegance over brute-force design." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Rebel Corporations Storm Gaza, West Bank
June 3, 2052

GAZA--In a surprise move Wednesday, squads of U.S. and multinational corporations seized control of key strategic sites throughout Gaza and the West Bank, demanding an end to Palestinian policies disfavoring capital movements and the distribution of consumer goods. "This is not an act of aggression," explains Dobie Greengrass, VP of Insurgency and Pacification at Procter & Gamble. "Our sole aim is to ensure the security of our customers. Our customers have rights that shall not be overcome." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Biosecurities Asphyxiate Famed Financier
April 16, 2023

PALO ALTO--Under pressure from the Food & Drug Administration and the Securities & Exchange Commission, spokespeople for the family of famed financier Michael Milken confirmed Friday that his death late last month was likely related to his ingestion of experimental, high-yield 'biosecurities.' "Mike was an innovator, and a risk-taker," recalls Lillian Oval, director of the Milken Family Foundation. "Biosecurities were part of his vision for the future, and, though he believed them to be safe, he knew that there were risks. But he was a pioneer, and that's what a pioneer does." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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Maryland Startup Sequences English Language
May 18, 2023

ROCKVILLE, MD--In a surprise announcement, Lexerica, a 23-employee, privately funded startup based in Rockville, Maryland, revealed Friday that it has completed an initial draft sequence of the English language. "This is a real David and Goliath story, a triumph for the little guy with the big idea," exclaims Lucian Blunderbuss, founder, Chairman, and CEO of Lexerica. "We tackled the sequencing problem using only a fraction of the resources and employee-hours the experts said we would need." (full story)

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Wireless Designer Labels Help Chic Shoppers Show Off
March 6, 2006

MILAN--In a bid to both attract technologically savvy clients and combat the scourge of high-fashion knock-offs, a special research committee of the Joint Council for Fashion and Design announced Wednesday the final draft an open standard for the wireless authentication of designer garments. "The standard has been a longtime in development," notes Greta Weif, Chair of the Council's steering committee. "And we are very pleased with the results. The system will, at last, bring the technology of fashion awareness into the 21st century." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Exercising Athletes Undermine Drug Olympics
August 23, 2060

GENEVA--Hot on the heels of widespread charges that selected competitors' doses at this year's Olympic games had been 'cut' with various inactive ingredients, officials from the International Olympic Committee are responding to recent claims by both the U.S. and British teams that athletes from as many as 16 other countries have been engaging in illegal exercise regimens designed to increase their resistance to and ability to metabolize a number of competition-grade drugs. "We have been made aware of allegations of unapproved exercise," notes IOC spokesman Kipper Pecka. "We take such allegations very seriously and will investigate them vigorously and in accordance with established IOC procedures." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Actor's Death Linked to Interactive Sitcom Sweatshop
February 8, 2016

ANAHEIM--In court filings Monday, Orange County District Attorney Bruno Chen alleges that the death last April of actor Matthew Perry was the result of months of "coerced labor and forced detention" in "sweatshop-style facilities dedicated to the production of interactive situation comedy programs." Declining to comment on the ongoing investigation, DA Chen announced the formation of a specialized taskforce committed to investigating and prosecuting the owners of sweatshops who "[exploit] actors in pursuit of a quick buck." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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