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Tyson Markets Organic, Free-range Surrogates
April 4, 2012

SPRINGDALE, ARK.--Grey Mountain Surrogates Inc., a subdivision of meat processing and biological services giant Tyson Foods, launched Friday a nation-wide campaign advertising its 'Natural Mother' organic surrogacy service. "We're very pleased to be able to offer the highest-quality surrogacy on the market," notes Grey Mountain president of operations Harald Spine. "In Natural Mother we offer a convenient, labor-saving service that also provides a more wholesome, healthy gestation environment than most mothers could manage on their own." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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U.S. Federal Government to Move Offshore
February 3, 2047

NASSAU--In a bid to cut costs and enhance security the House of Representatives voted Tuesday to approve a Senate bill relocating both Congressional bodies to an unnamed offshore banking and tax haven. "The move is sure to result in immediate cost savings to the American people," notes Senator Janet Rent (D-Calif). "By moving to a tax haven we can cut payroll costs dramatically because we can reduce salaries without reducing take-home pay." (full story)

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Eisner Pummeled by Disney's Frozen Head
December 18, 2027

LOS ANGELES--Documents released Monday by the Walt Disney Company in the course of its defense against a wrongful death suit brought by the estate of its late Chairman and CEO reveal gruesome details of the executive's "accidental" death and confirm longtime rumors that the company has, for decades, maintained the frozen head of its founder in hopes that developments in medical science will enable his eventual resurrection. "This was a real double whammy," exclaims court journalist and veteran Disney-watcher Juan Yell. "I mean, to have all the 'frozen head' stuff turn out to be true after all these years, and then to have it so closely linked to Eisner's mysterious death, all I can say is 'wow!'" (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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Linguists Decipher Warning Message in Genome
February 1, 2039

BOSTON--A group of researchers at MIT's Chomsky Institute announced yesterday independent confirmation of their discovery of a series of messages encoded in apparently dormant or unused sections of the human genome. "We're able to report replication of our results by at least three independent teams," explained the team's project director Klara Tulip. "We hence feel quite confident about the results and felt that they were significant enough to warrant preliminary public release." (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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Wal-mart Tags Shoppers with Subcutaneous Cookies
November 18, 2009

WALVILLE, ARK.--Responding to public requests from privacy advocates, retailing giant Wal-mart agreed Wednesday to release details concerning a newly-implemented system for tracking shoppers in its Wal-mart and Sam's Club stores. "We understand that there is some sensitivity surrounding this initiative," notes Wal-mart spokesman Joel Scent, "And we want to be entirely upfront and open about the program and the ways it will benefit our shopping family. We've been testing the system in a few pilot stores--we've made no secret about that--and now, with that experience behind us, we're ready to talk about the program." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Futurefeedforward Cuts 18,000 Jobs
October 24, 2001

NEW HAVEN--Citing recent weakness in networking and telecommunications equipment spending and a market for IT products "softened by a general downtrend in corporate earnings and by increasing uncertainty about the near-term future," Futurefeedforward CEO Redroe "Red" Boudaine announced Wednesday that the company plans to "pursue the world's first trans-temporal corporate restructuring" in an effort to "return the revenue pyramid to an upright posture." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Gates Suffers General Protection Fault
August 3, 2101

REDMOND--A recently leaked internal company memorandum has confirmed that Microsoft Chairman Emeritus Bill Gates' collapse last Thursday was related to his participation in testing of the company's beta-stage development of an operating system for the human genome. Marked CONFIDENTIAL and addressed to members of Microsoft's Board of Directors, the memorandum admitted frankly that Gates' mysterious condition was "a result of Chairman Gates' direct participation in the development of W[indows for the] G[enome]," and sought to reassure Board members that the incident "does not represent a threat either to the established launch schedule or to the integrity of Bill's leadership." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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