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Wal-mart Tags Shoppers with Subcutaneous Cookies
November 18, 2009

WALVILLE, ARK.--Responding to public requests from privacy advocates, retailing giant Wal-mart agreed Wednesday to release details concerning a newly-implemented system for tracking shoppers in its Wal-mart and Sam's Club stores. "We understand that there is some sensitivity surrounding this initiative," notes Wal-mart spokesman Joel Scent, "And we want to be entirely upfront and open about the program and the ways it will benefit our shopping family. We've been testing the system in a few pilot stores--we've made no secret about that--and now, with that experience behind us, we're ready to talk about the program." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Futurefeedforward Cuts 18,000 Jobs
October 24, 2001

NEW HAVEN--Citing recent weakness in networking and telecommunications equipment spending and a market for IT products "softened by a general downtrend in corporate earnings and by increasing uncertainty about the near-term future," Futurefeedforward CEO Redroe "Red" Boudaine announced Wednesday that the company plans to "pursue the world's first trans-temporal corporate restructuring" in an effort to "return the revenue pyramid to an upright posture." (full story)

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Gates Suffers General Protection Fault
August 3, 2101

REDMOND--A recently leaked internal company memorandum has confirmed that Microsoft Chairman Emeritus Bill Gates' collapse last Thursday was related to his participation in testing of the company's beta-stage development of an operating system for the human genome. Marked CONFIDENTIAL and addressed to members of Microsoft's Board of Directors, the memorandum admitted frankly that Gates' mysterious condition was "a result of Chairman Gates' direct participation in the development of W[indows for the] G[enome]," and sought to reassure Board members that the incident "does not represent a threat either to the established launch schedule or to the integrity of Bill's leadership." (full story)

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People Sprout Squirrels, Flies
February 11, 2119

LINCOLN, NE--Organizers of last weekend's Conference on Spontaneous Biodiversification indicate that the recently identified phenomenon has spread beyond the thinly-populated rural farmlands of the American Midwest and has begun to crop up in isolated cases in urban centers as far afield as Chicago and San Diego. "The real take-away from the Conference," notes Dr. Wendy Chimer, the Conference's keynote speaker, "is that spontaneous generations of the sort we've seen in this area for several years are not localized aberrations, but part of a larger biogenetic process that we are only now beginning to recognize." (full story)

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New Camera Offers Product Placement in Snapshots
October 3, 2006

ROCHESTER--Eastman Kodak today announced availability of a line of free digital cameras developed in partnership with digital advertising giant DoubleClick. The cameras, to be distributed for free to consumers under the "Phreeto" brandname, generate revenue in the form of sponsored digital product placements powered by DoubleClick ad-targeting technology. "Phreeto means freedom," explains Kodak Marketing Director Helmut Juice. "By working with DoubleClick to enable an ad-driven business model we'll be able to offer digital photography solutions to a much wider audience." (full story)

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Ad Pox Cured by Branded Products
August 31, 2064

ATLANTA--Officials at the Centers for Disease Control released Wednesday a set of guidelines for the treatment of ad pox suggesting that consumption of certain popular consumer products may offer remedial treatment of some of the disease's symptoms. "Though we don't yet have a full epidemiological understanding of ad pox, we have confirmed clinically that use of the listed products offers at least temporary relief from some symptoms," explains CDC Director of Home Cures, Dr. Evan Tripe. "Since these products are already routinely used by most Americans, we have no concerns about recommending their use for treatment, even at this early stage in our research." (full story)

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Martha Stewart Mauled by Dust Bunnies
April 12, 2045

NEW YORK--Speaking on Wednesday from the company's Manhattan headquarters, Martha Stewart Omnimedia VP of Operations Victoria Waiste reassured shareholders and employees that a recent household mishap involving Stewart, the company's chair and CEO, would not adversely affect the company or its prospects. "Martha had an allergic reaction to an unidentified household cleaning product," explained Waiste. "She is receiving the care that she needs and I have every confidence that she'll be back at work within the month." (full story)

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