whole thing so far, release notes, chapter one, chapter two
front page, archive, timeline, most popular, undead celebrities, future news, future science gearbox, newest & most improved
about us, history, our founder, business model, investor relations, careers, corporate culture, as seen on
our products, research services, financial services, publications, dingo stroller
philosophy, temporal networking, forward intentional invention, interstitial public offering, time-money value inversion

Home-Jailing More Popular than Home-Schooling
February 23, 2056

WASHINGTON DC--For the first time since the controversial practice of home-jailing was introduced some 15 years ago, the number of American households electing to house a convicted felon has surpassed the number choosing to home-school their children. U.S. Bureau of Prisons officials point to the numbers and declare home-jailing initiatives an unqualified success. Detractors, including a broad coalition of current and former prisoners, civil-rights activists and members of the threatened Prison Guards of America and U.S. Prison Workers unions, continue to protest the program even as it moves into its 16th and what may be its most profitable year. (full story)

filed in:future news
related stories:Surplus Prisoners to Fill California Teacher Shortage
Toddler's Conviction Upheld, Execution Looms
Precinct Collapse Disorder Plagues Coastal Communities
Crime Does Pay: GDP Revised to Include Property Crime
Group Opposes Vouchers for Police, Fire Services

Strom Thurmond Cannot Die: Immortality a Reality
October 21, 2188

AIKEN SC--Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond today emerged from more than 180 years in hiding and revealed that, according to his staff of personal physicians, he is the first human to permanently defeat death. For more than a century Senator Thurmond has lived secreted in a hyperbarric, orgone-accumulating subterranean greenhouse buried beneath the Russell Senate Building in Washington DC. (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
related stories:Bush II Never President, Historians Conclude
Hibernating Actor Uncovered on Antiques Roadshow
Crack Team Hunts 'Zombie' Corporations
Headless Reporter Continues Work
Suicide Artist Fakes Death, Defrauds Patrons
U.S. Federal Government to Move Offshore
Ted Turner Vanishes in Quantum Superposition Accident

Crime Does Pay: GDP Revised to Include Property Crime
January 2, 2045

WASHINGTON DC--Officials at the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis, a division of the Department of Commerce responsible for calculating Gross Domestic Product, a measure of economic activity, recently decided to include the value of all property crimes in the important measurement. Minutes of December meetings among executive officials reveal that key members of the Bureau had reached a broad consensus on the inclusion of the figures, which are quite high and, after revision of calculations of GDP for past years, reveal a staggering growth rate in the past 40 years. (full story)

filed in:future news
related stories:Home-Jailing More Popular than Home-Schooling
Toddler's Conviction Upheld, Execution Looms
Money a Waste, Economists Conclude
Consumer Capitalism Defective, U.S. Issues Recall

New Soap for Cleaning Soap
June 24, 2004

CINCINNATI -- Consumer giant Procter & Gamble today announced a new product enabling consumers to maintain the cleanliness of traditional bar soaps. (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
related stories:Martha Stewart Mauled by Dust Bunnies

Coming to a Stain Near You: Ads!
July 23, 2104

MADISON, NJ--If Nanosigns inc. has anything to say about it, advertisers will no longer be crying over spilled milk. At this year's World Marketing Conference, the wholly-owned subsidiary of pharmaceutical and biotech giant American Home Products announced a new application for its fluid-manipulating nanobots: assembling advertising slogans and logos from spilled liquids. (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
related stories:New Free Toilet Paper with Banner Ads
Coca-Cola Achieves Consciousness, Declares Independence

New Company Tells Future, Sells Future
September 1, 2000

NEW HAVEN--Futurefeedforward, a young start-up company in southern Connecticut, publicly announced today that it has established a computer networking link to the future. The company's Temporal Networking technology enables it to directly gather information about the future from databases located in the future and linked to present day computers in its New Haven offices. The company reports that by eventually building extensive databases in the future containing information about events between now and the future, and by networking "ForwardServers" with "present-side clients," it has gained unprecedented access to information about the future. (full story)

filed in:future news
related stories:Bush II Never President, Historians Conclude
Futurefeedforward Cuts 18,000 Jobs
What Ever Happened to Futurefeedforward?
FeedBank Launches Inter-Temporal Intra-Personal Banking Portal
At Last, Kids You Can Be Proud Of, Guaranteed
free email subscription: 
questions? problems? :
privacy policy | terms of use | rss:xml
copyright 2000-2007, some rights reserved, Hamlet Monkeys Media
licensed under a creative commons license