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New Camera Offers Product Placement in Snapshots
October 3, 2006

ROCHESTER--Eastman Kodak today announced availability of a line of free digital cameras developed in partnership with digital advertising giant DoubleClick. The cameras, to be distributed for free to consumers under the "Phreeto" brandname, generate revenue in the form of sponsored digital product placements powered by DoubleClick ad-targeting technology. "Phreeto means freedom," explains Kodak Marketing Director Helmut Juice. "By working with DoubleClick to enable an ad-driven business model we'll be able to offer digital photography solutions to a much wider audience." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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New Free Toilet Paper with Banner Ads
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Ad Pox Cured by Branded Products


Ad Pox Cured by Branded Products
August 31, 2064

ATLANTA--Officials at the Centers for Disease Control released Wednesday a set of guidelines for the treatment of ad pox suggesting that consumption of certain popular consumer products may offer remedial treatment of some of the disease's symptoms. "Though we don't yet have a full epidemiological understanding of ad pox, we have confirmed clinically that use of the listed products offers at least temporary relief from some symptoms," explains CDC Director of Home Cures, Dr. Evan Tripe. "Since these products are already routinely used by most Americans, we have no concerns about recommending their use for treatment, even at this early stage in our research." (full story)

filed in:future news
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New Camera Offers Product Placement in Snapshots
People Sprout Squirrels, Flies


Martha Stewart Mauled by Dust Bunnies
April 12, 2045

NEW YORK--Speaking on Wednesday from the company's Manhattan headquarters, Martha Stewart Omnimedia VP of Operations Victoria Waiste reassured shareholders and employees that a recent household mishap involving Stewart, the company's chair and CEO, would not adversely affect the company or its prospects. "Martha had an allergic reaction to an unidentified household cleaning product," explained Waiste. "She is receiving the care that she needs and I have every confidence that she'll be back at work within the month." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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Emeralds Are Grue, Sky Is Bleen
January 2, 2100

PASADENA--Responding to recent panic surrounding the sky's dramatic change in color, a team of logicians and philosophers of language at the California Institute of Technology has released findings designed to calm the public and explain the transformation. "We have heard the press speculation that the change in the color of the sky is related to an unexplained and possibly toxic pollution event," notes Caltech Professor of Nomenclature Dorinda Pocopollo. "Our aim with this press conference is to dispel those rumors. This is not an ecological catastrophe, as many have feared, but a logical one." (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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Earth a Franchise, Astrophysicists Discover
Maryland Startup Sequences English Language


Lay an Egg, Grow an Organ
February 18, 2072

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--Consumer biosciences giant Monsanto Mills today unveiled plans to market a replacement-organ cultivation technology with a novel, consumer-friendly interface modeled on traditional agrarian processes. The as-yet unnamed product embeds organ cultivation in the familiar practice of plant husbandry, and is designed to evoke the warm, nostalgic feelings associated with America's historic farms. "The real challenge for replacement-organ cultivation isn't actually growing genetically compatible organs," explains Monsanto's VP of Human Development Eunice Freelie. "The real challenge is getting people to adopt organ cultivation as a part of their everyday lives. Our new approach will overcome some of the popular, though undeserved, aversion to organ cultivation." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Engineered Corn Communicates, Crunches Numbers
Transgenic Weeds Help Hackers Poach Corn Computing Cycles
Syringe Found in Egg, ADM Disclaims Responsibility


Embryos, Stem Cells Vote Bush in Record Numbers
December 12, 2042

WASHINGTON DC--In only the second national election since implementation of new voting rules under the Unborn Voting Rights Act, heavy Republican voting among embryos and active embryonic stem cell lines may have determined the outcome of a presidential election. A special committee formed by the Federal Election Commission to analyze voting in President-elect Bush's November victory reported Wednesday that embryos and open-source stem cell lines cast nearly 27% of votes in the presidential race. "Our analysis indicates a much greater than expected turn-out among newly-enfranchised single-cell and single-neuron voters," noted committee chairman Arnold Pusse. "This is a watershed moment in the evolution of the American electorate." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Tom Cruize Kills Himselves, Police Charge
June 16, 2082

LOS ANGELES--Confirming weeks of popular speculation, Los Angeles County District Attorney Barry Chupa formally announced that his office had secured multiple indictments against Tom Cruize for the October murder of two of his isotypes, Thomaz Cruize and Thom Cruize. "This case, understandably, has been the subject of a great deal of public attention," noted Chupa. "People have been anxious for a resolution, but we wanted to be sure that all our ducks were in a row before we went to the Grand Jury. I feel confident, now, that we will be able to bring Mr. Cruize to justice." (full story)

filed in:undead celebrities
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