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Emeralds Are Grue, Sky Is Bleen
January 2, 2100

PASADENA--Responding to recent panic surrounding the sky's dramatic change in color, a team of logicians and philosophers of language at the California Institute of Technology has released findings designed to calm the public and explain the transformation. "We have heard the press speculation that the change in the color of the sky is related to an unexplained and possibly toxic pollution event," notes Caltech Professor of Nomenclature Dorinda Pocopollo. "Our aim with this press conference is to dispel those rumors. This is not an ecological catastrophe, as many have feared, but a logical one." (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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Lay an Egg, Grow an Organ
February 18, 2072

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--Consumer biosciences giant Monsanto Mills today unveiled plans to market a replacement-organ cultivation technology with a novel, consumer-friendly interface modeled on traditional agrarian processes. The as-yet unnamed product embeds organ cultivation in the familiar practice of plant husbandry, and is designed to evoke the warm, nostalgic feelings associated with America's historic farms. "The real challenge for replacement-organ cultivation isn't actually growing genetically compatible organs," explains Monsanto's VP of Human Development Eunice Freelie. "The real challenge is getting people to adopt organ cultivation as a part of their everyday lives. Our new approach will overcome some of the popular, though undeserved, aversion to organ cultivation." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Embryos, Stem Cells Vote Bush in Record Numbers
December 12, 2042

WASHINGTON DC--In only the second national election since implementation of new voting rules under the Unborn Voting Rights Act, heavy Republican voting among embryos and active embryonic stem cell lines may have determined the outcome of a presidential election. A special committee formed by the Federal Election Commission to analyze voting in President-elect Bush's November victory reported Wednesday that embryos and open-source stem cell lines cast nearly 27% of votes in the presidential race. "Our analysis indicates a much greater than expected turn-out among newly-enfranchised single-cell and single-neuron voters," noted committee chairman Arnold Pusse. "This is a watershed moment in the evolution of the American electorate." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Sperm Warfare 'Realistic Threat,' Study Concludes

Tom Cruize Kills Himselves, Police Charge
June 16, 2082

LOS ANGELES--Confirming weeks of popular speculation, Los Angeles County District Attorney Barry Chupa formally announced that his office had secured multiple indictments against Tom Cruize for the October murder of two of his isotypes, Thomaz Cruize and Thom Cruize. "This case, understandably, has been the subject of a great deal of public attention," noted Chupa. "People have been anxious for a resolution, but we wanted to be sure that all our ducks were in a row before we went to the Grand Jury. I feel confident, now, that we will be able to bring Mr. Cruize to justice." (full story)

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Scientists Discover, Isolate Limited Liability Person
August 18, 2106

BOSTON--A team of international researchers working at M.I.T.'s Laboratory for High-Velocity Quantum-Economic Phenomena announced Monday the first successful isolation, identification, and tagging of a Limited Liability Person, or "LLP" "We're quite excited to be the first team to isolate an active LLP in the field," notes Dr. Hillary Yuan, director of the research team, "And not only have we identified an LLP, but we've also tagged him, enabling us to follow his migratory habits and learn much more about what life is like for them." (full story)

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Jordan's Feet Can Be Your Shoes
June 23, 2085

NIKE, ORE--Speaking via satellite from the sleek public hearing room in Nike Town Hall, Nike's visionary founder Philip Knight announced today the availability of a line of bioengineered athletic wear derived from the company's most popular athletes. "I'm very excited today to introduce you to a revolution," exclaimed Knight, modeling the company's new Bio Jordan sneakers. "I am wearing Jordan's feet. His living, breathing feet. And now you can too." (full story)

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Cuba Buys Disney, Announces Redevelopment Plans
December 18, 2071

ORLANDO--At a press conference held late Tuesday to formally announce Cuba's acquisition of The Walt Disney Company, officials from the Cuban Bureau of Recreation unveiled plans to redevelop Disney properties worldwide. "Disney's entertainment properties are an ideal fit for us," noted Cuban Executive Director of Learning Environments Minerva Perez. "This acquisition supplies us with the infrastructure that will enable us to leverage our ideological advantages and get our message out globally." (full story)

filed in:future news
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