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'Mouth-in-Mouth' Disease Decimates House, Senate
October 31, 2014

WASHINGTON DC--The mysterious disorder that has afflicted more than a dozen members of the U.S. Senate has recently spread to the House of Representatives where 42 new cases were reported during the past two weeks. Known as 'Mouth-in-Mouth,' the disease interferes with the ability to speak, alternately causing "unwanted" speech and preventing victims from speaking at all. "This is killing our effectiveness," notes House Appropriations Committee Staff Counsel Judy Ale. "Governing is a verbal process. When Members can't speak, the work of governing doesn't get done." (full story)

filed in:future news
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Rupert Murdoch Lobotomized in 'Iron Surgeon' Mishap
August 16, 2020

LOS ANGELES--Fox Studios officials today confirmed that reclusive media tycoon Rupert Murdoch suffered accidental injuries during a Wednesday taping of the popular Iron Surgeon program. "Chairman Murdoch was injured when a laser-equipped remote incision and cauterization pistol accidentally discharged and struck him in the head while he was observing the taping from his dais," explained Fox Spokeswoman Jessica Wrenkle. "We aren't at liberty to discuss the incident in any more detail until official inquiries have concluded." (full story)

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Transgenic Weeds Help Hackers Poach Corn Computing Cycles
March 4, 2051

DECATUR, IL--Edible resources giant Archer Daniels Midland today launched a legal and public relations campaign designed to discourage poachers from using new breeds of transgenic weeds to siphon off computer cycles generated by fields planted with SmartCorn, an engineered corn variety equipped with DNA-based computational and networking powers. "We want to make clear that there is zero tolerance for 'weedhacking,'" declared ADM CTO Alice Montie. "In partnership with Monsanto, the inventor of SmartCorn, we are launching this campaign to educate the public, and to make sure that hackers know that every weed they nurture takes food out of the mouths of hungry children." (full story)

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The Caddy That Zips
May 1, 2074
byJeroen Goulooze

SEATTLE--In a local showroom, officials from Boeing and General Motors today demonstrated a Cadillac concept car equipped with a Quantum Matter Compression Drive based on the same compression technology currently used in Boeing's commercial aircraft. "We've been shrinking passengers and cargo for a while now," notes Boeing representative Peter Shimp, "Our goal now is to extend compression technologies to other industries. Our work here, with GM, is a fist big step towards that goal." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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Toddler's Conviction Upheld, Execution Looms
April 11, 2088

Tallahassee FL--A divided Florida Supreme Court today upheld the capital murder conviction of two-year old Jake Fritter, permitting the state to proceed with its plans to execute him at 12:01 am on May 1st. (full story)

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Aniston, Pitt Anonymized, Keys Lost
April 23, 2072

MALIBU--Spokespeople for celebrity activists Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston confirmed today that the longtime couple is currently anonymized and that the decryption keys have been lost or damaged. "Brad and Jennifer have always enjoyed mixing with the public," explains a spokesperson for the couple. "They're very down to earth that way. They had just turned on their anonymizers for a trip down to Pizza Bell to pick up some dinner. When they went to turn them off, they found that something had gone wrong. They've both remained encrypted for the past couple of weeks or so. We're hopeful that the technical people will be able to recover the keys in due course." (full story)

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Engineered Corn Communicates, Crunches Numbers
January 14, 2047

LINCOLN, NE--A team of researchers at the University of Nebraska announced this week the successful growth and testing of a new strain of corn endowed with rudimentary computational abilities. The strain, to be marketed by University of Nebraska sponsor Monsanto under the brand name SmartCorn, makes use of principles of distributed, networked computation to communicate information about the health and condition of the plant and to solve computation-intensive problems. "Our goals with SmartCorn were twofold," notes Monsanto VP of Corn and Pomegranates Leslie Studebaker, "first, to help growers gather information about their plants, and second, to generate surplus computational cycles that growers could sell on the open market. I'm happy to say that these recent results indicate that we've found the solution we were looking for." (full story)

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