SEATTLE--In a local showroom, officials from Boeing and General Motors today demonstrated a Cadillac concept car equipped with a Quantum Matter Compression Drive based on the same compression technology currently used in Boeing's commercial aircraft. "We've been shrinking passengers and cargo for a while now," notes Boeing representative Peter Shimp, "Our goal now is to extend compression technologies to other industries. Our work here, with GM, is a fist big step towards that goal." (full story)

Tallahassee FL--A divided Florida Supreme Court today upheld the capital murder conviction of two-year old Jake Fritter, permitting the state to proceed with its plans to execute him at 12:01 am on May 1st. (full story)

MALIBU--Spokespeople for celebrity activists Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston confirmed today that the longtime couple is currently anonymized and that the decryption keys have been lost or damaged. "Brad and Jennifer have always enjoyed mixing with the public," explains a spokesperson for the couple. "They're very down to earth that way. They had just turned on their anonymizers for a trip down to Pizza Bell to pick up some dinner. When they went to turn them off, they found that something had gone wrong. They've both remained encrypted for the past couple of weeks or so. We're hopeful that the technical people will be able to recover the keys in due course." (full story)

LINCOLN, NE--A team of researchers at the University of Nebraska announced this week the successful growth and testing of a new strain of corn endowed with rudimentary computational abilities. The strain, to be marketed by University of Nebraska sponsor Monsanto under the brand name SmartCorn, makes use of principles of distributed, networked computation to communicate information about the health and condition of the plant and to solve computation-intensive problems. "Our goals with SmartCorn were twofold," notes Monsanto VP of Corn and Pomegranates Leslie Studebaker, "first, to help growers gather information about their plants, and second, to generate surplus computational cycles that growers could sell on the open market. I'm happy to say that these recent results indicate that we've found the solution we were looking for." (full story)

CINCINNATI--Consumer products giant Procter & Gamble today announced trial marketing in the U.S. of a new version of its classic Charmin bathroom tissue displaying dynamically generated and updated ads for other Procter & Gamble products. The new ad-enabled Charmin will be free to consumers and distributed through supermarkets and other large retail outlets for Procter & Gamble products. "We're very excited about the changes in the Charmin line," explains VP of Bathroom Marketing Barry Oile. "This is an 'attention economy,' as they say, and we're looking for new ways to leverage our brands to generate attention-related revenue." (full story)

WASHINGTON DC--Federal District Judge Lydia Peezer today handed down her much-anticipated Final Judgment in the landmark U.S. v. U.S. anti-trust case. As widely expected, Judge Peezer endorsed the Department of Justice's complex divestiture plan, calling for the country to be divided into three independent geographic regions, each consisting of four autonomous "operational units." (full story)

JAKARTA--Local officials today confirmed that celebrity guru Anna Kournikova died on Wednesday from injuries sustained when a satellite designed to protect intellectual property rights attempted to 'delete' her. "Ms. Kournikova was apparently struck by a powerful, focused beam of microwaves, and died almost instantly," noted Detective J. Sini of the Jakarta Police. "Our current understanding is that this beam issued from one of the MEMEye satellites and that it was an unfortunate accident. We offer our sympathy to her families and followers." (full story)