WASHINGTON DC--Federal District Judge Lydia Peezer today handed down her much-anticipated Final Judgment in the landmark U.S. v. U.S. anti-trust case. As widely expected, Judge Peezer endorsed the Department of Justice's complex divestiture plan, calling for the country to be divided into three independent geographic regions, each consisting of four autonomous "operational units." (full story)

JAKARTA--Local officials today confirmed that celebrity guru Anna Kournikova died on Wednesday from injuries sustained when a satellite designed to protect intellectual property rights attempted to 'delete' her. "Ms. Kournikova was apparently struck by a powerful, focused beam of microwaves, and died almost instantly," noted Detective J. Sini of the Jakarta Police. "Our current understanding is that this beam issued from one of the MEMEye satellites and that it was an unfortunate accident. We offer our sympathy to her families and followers." (full story)

WASHINGTON DC--A special research committee convened by the U. S. Treasury Department, and including officials and economists from the General Accounting Office and Federal Reserve Board, released on Thursday its "Final Report on the Role of Money in the Economy," concluding that "money is currently the single greatest source of inefficiency in the exchange of services and goods," and recommending that Congress "take steps to phase out the public use of the U. S. Dollar." U. S. Treasury Secretary Frieda Bootle welcomed the report, and simultaneously announced a proposed 23 step phase-out schedule for the beloved currency: "We're pleased that the Committee has come to the same conclusion that a number of us have reached privately in recent years, and we're prepared to take concrete steps to increase the efficiency and effectiveness of the U. S. economy." (full story)

EL SEGUNDO, CA--Toy and game giant Mattel Inc. today announced the worldwide availability of Baby.I.Birthed.It, a wearable pouch in which kids can grow a range of Mattel-brand biomechanical dolls and pets. "I.Birthed.It is a spin-off accessory to our popular Barbie.Gives.Birth," notes Mattel spokesperson Randy Doo. "Now kids can share the experience with Barbie. The pouch gets big, just like Barbie.Gives.Birth's tummy, and, after nine weeks, Barbie has a little baby to take care of, and so does the child." (full story)

ATLANTA--The Center for Consumer Diseases today announced the official classification of Brand Dyslexia Disorder, or BDD, as an "epidemic." The change in classification frees up federal funding for round-the-clock research and steps-up authorization for nation-wide epidemiological studies. "The acceleration in the spread of BDD is alarming and unprecedented," notes CCD Head of Syndromal Illness Research Dr. Evelyn Ditch. "The re-classification is meant to mobilize the research community in hopes of containing and treating this debilitating disease." (full story)

CHICAGO--In a blow to billions of hopeful fans worldwide, the U. S. Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that Oprah Winfrey has entered the public domain and is no longer entitled to continued existence as a protected trademark. The decision is the most recent development in Oprah's decades-long legal struggle to maintain the corporation's privity with its founder. "We're down, but not out," declared Oprah lead counsel David Boies shortly after the decision was announced. "We'll continue to push for appropriate Congressional action on the issue, and we have papers under consideration at WIPO. This is not over." (full story)

SANTA MONICA--A recently released RAND Corporation study identifies Sperm Warfare tactics as the most "realistic threat to the morale of American Troops deployed in forward and danger areas." The report, commissioned by the U. S. Department of Defense, calls for U. S. officials to seek emendations to the International Biological Weapons Convention clarifying the weapons status of reproductive gene therapies. (full story)