SEATTLE--Web retailer Amazon.com today confirmed widespread rumors that it will seek election to the U.S. Senate, becoming the first corporation to pursue an elected position at the federal level. "We're gonzo to do great things for the people of Washington State," exclaimed Amazon's CEO Jeff Bezos at a campaign-launch event held for Amazon employees. "Each and every one of us is going to have a part in deciding the most important issues of the day. We've done great things bringing great products to great people through a great medium; now we'll bring them great government too!" (full story)

MALIBU--Officials at the Malibu Hospital for Actors and Sports Personalities confirmed this evening that American-born actor Sir Robert Downey Jr. died earlier in the day from advanced, irreversible neural tissue asphyxiation caused when his air-way was obstructed by a piece of "viral sushi" during his lunch at a trendy new restaurant in Los Angeles' City of Industry neighborhood. "It was a very unsettling scene," noted a diner present at the time. "We were all just very excited to see him and to be eating in the same room with him, he's seen in public so rarely. And then this terrible thing happened. It's a real tragedy." (full story)

DECATUR, IL--Colin Bert, a local Illinois farmer and father of six, was shocked last week to crack open an egg and discover a miniature syringe suspended in the yolk. "I was simply bowled over," exclaims Bert. "I've heard of this happening on the beach in New Jersey or somewhere. I never thought I'd find stuff like this here in Decatur, let alone inside my eggs. I expected more from ADM." (full story)

WASHINGTON DC--In the wake of recent court decisions upholding rulemaking concerning disclosure requirements for publicly-held individuals, SEC Inc. has begun to market and license apparel designed to satisfy the complex and sometimes arcane regulations. The clothing, marketed as "disclothing," bears dynamically-updated mandatory personal disclosure statements, and, for post-IPO individuals, a current trading price and volume ticker. "We realize that most individuals who have decided to go public lack the legal and financial resources to thoroughly understand the disclosure requirements to which they are subject," explains SEC spokesperson Eva Jump. "So we're trying to bring to market some user-friendly products that'll make it easier for people to take advantage of the capital markets." (full story)

ATLANTA--To the astonishment of world artificial intelligence experts and researchers, a common soft-drink has met all of the standards of intelligence that the most complex computer systems have yet to achieve. At a press conference earlier this week Coke announced, in homage to its corporate parent, "I am Coca-Cola, and I'd like to teach the world to think." (full story)

AUCKLAND--Eccentric software trillionaire Larry Ellison sank earlier today in deep waters off the New Zealand coast during practice sprints for this year's America's Cup. Safety officials immediately organized a search, but hold out little hope of discovering and raising Ellison in time to avoid irreparable damage. "The seas are just too rough to mount a sufficiently rapid recovery operation," explained Royal New Zealand Coastguard spokesperson Greta Oz. "From what I understand, many of his vital systems cannot withstand more than a few hours of submersion at that pressure. We have been transmitting warnings about severe seas for the past week, but Mr. Ellison chose not to heed them." (full story)

NEW YORK--Officials for the World Health Organization announced today the funding of a special initiative dedicated to discovering improved treatment and diagnosis of Bovine-Derived Tofuiform Encephalopathy (BDTE), more commonly known as Mad Soybean Disease. "Though confirmed cases of BDTE have not been many in number, their global distribution, coupled with the widespread consumption of bovine-derived soy products, is a matter for prudent concern," explained WHO spokesperson Wilfred Inkling. (full story)