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Syringe Found in Egg, ADM Disclaims Responsibility
September 11, 2045

DECATUR, IL--Colin Bert, a local Illinois farmer and father of six, was shocked last week to crack open an egg and discover a miniature syringe suspended in the yolk. "I was simply bowled over," exclaims Bert. "I've heard of this happening on the beach in New Jersey or somewhere. I never thought I'd find stuff like this here in Decatur, let alone inside my eggs. I expected more from ADM." (full story)

filed in:future science gearbox
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New Clothing Line to Help Publicly-Held Individuals
May 28, 2063

WASHINGTON DC--In the wake of recent court decisions upholding rulemaking concerning disclosure requirements for publicly-held individuals, SEC Inc. has begun to market and license apparel designed to satisfy the complex and sometimes arcane regulations. The clothing, marketed as "disclothing," bears dynamically-updated mandatory personal disclosure statements, and, for post-IPO individuals, a current trading price and volume ticker. "We realize that most individuals who have decided to go public lack the legal and financial resources to thoroughly understand the disclosure requirements to which they are subject," explains SEC spokesperson Eva Jump. "So we're trying to bring to market some user-friendly products that'll make it easier for people to take advantage of the capital markets." (full story)

filed in:newest & most improved
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New Free Toilet Paper with Banner Ads
American Medical Association Recommends Warning Tattoos for Children
LVMH, Prada to Replace Luxury Goods with Warrants
U.S. a Monopoly, Breakup Decreed
Intelligent Trusts Infest Indianapolis
Wireless Designer Labels Help Chic Shoppers Show Off
New Camera Offers Product Placement in Snapshots
Wal-Mart Offers In-Store Futures Trading
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Coca-Cola Achieves Consciousness, Declares Independence
March 3, 2071

ATLANTA--To the astonishment of world artificial intelligence experts and researchers, a common soft-drink has met all of the standards of intelligence that the most complex computer systems have yet to achieve. At a press conference earlier this week Coke announced, in homage to its corporate parent, "I am Coca-Cola, and I'd like to teach the world to think." (full story)

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Coming to a Stain Near You: Ads!


Larry Ellison Sinks Off New Zealand Coast
December 1, 2151

AUCKLAND--Eccentric software trillionaire Larry Ellison sank earlier today in deep waters off the New Zealand coast during practice sprints for this year's America's Cup. Safety officials immediately organized a search, but hold out little hope of discovering and raising Ellison in time to avoid irreparable damage. "The seas are just too rough to mount a sufficiently rapid recovery operation," explained Royal New Zealand Coastguard spokesperson Greta Oz. "From what I understand, many of his vital systems cannot withstand more than a few hours of submersion at that pressure. We have been transmitting warnings about severe seas for the past week, but Mr. Ellison chose not to heed them." (full story)

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Researchers Seek Treatment for Mad Soybean Disease
August 19, 2058

NEW YORK--Officials for the World Health Organization announced today the funding of a special initiative dedicated to discovering improved treatment and diagnosis of Bovine-Derived Tofuiform Encephalopathy (BDTE), more commonly known as Mad Soybean Disease. "Though confirmed cases of BDTE have not been many in number, their global distribution, coupled with the widespread consumption of bovine-derived soy products, is a matter for prudent concern," explained WHO spokesperson Wilfred Inkling. (full story)

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Microsoft Announces Handguns with Web Access
June 16, 2004

PHOENIX--Microsoft today unveiled its latest effort to ensure that the Web is accessible "everywhere through everything" and that versions of its Windows operating system become "ubiquitous and necessary, like the air we breathe." Speaking to a skeptical audience at CUEC (Conference on Ubiquitous and Environmental Computing), CEO Steve Ballmer revealed that Microsoft has acquired rights to the legendary Colt brand and has a custom version of Windows for Handguns currently in beta testing. (full story)

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Fact-Checking Servers to Reduce Libel Risk
July 4, 2033

PALO ALTO--In December, three of the top five U.S. ISPs plan to install new software to reduce the risk that their customers will be exposed to libel and gossip liability for content that they post. The software, developed by Black Hole Skunkworks, a joint venture of Stanford University and a consortium of newspaper and publishing multi-nationals, screens all user-generated content, alerting posters to possible legal liability for dissemination of libelous or gossipicuous information. (full story)

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