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U.S. Citizenship, Now with Free Chicken
November 3, 2027
WASHINGTON DC--In the first of several planned state and federal initiatives designed to attract and retain qualified citizens, U.S. government officials announced Friday the launch of a special program managed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture guaranteeing U.S. citizens a lifetime supply of boneless, uncooked white-meat chicken. "We're very proud today to fulfill a legendary promise to the American people," exclaimed USDA Deputy Director Tracey Lapoole. "A chicken in every pot, today, now, for every American, and forever more."
Delivered daily, five days a week, by U.S. postal carriers, the chicken, initially drawn largely from USDA reserves and purchased in surplus and secondary markets, should be sufficient to satisfy the daily calorie requirements of a grown adult male.
"Though originally we planned to tailor delivery quantities individually, for logistical reasons, we settled on supplying enough chicken per citizen to satisfy the daily needs of the vast majority of Americans," explains Fredrick Breaker, UDSA VP of Marketing. "That's almost 40 ounces of white meat per citizen per day. A tall order, but I'm happy to say that, with the cooperation of the Postal Service, we're up to the task."
Taking advantage of excess and decommissioned capacity at local and regional post offices, and of an exploding U. S. poultry supply driven by the high-breast yield of contemporary chicken breeds, the plan calls for a gradual shift from dependence on reserves and open market purchases to a system of decentralized production and delivery based around the postal network.
"Eventually, the chicken you get in your box every day will be locally grown and locally slaughtered," explains Breaker. "Empty sorting facilities will be repurposed as high-efficiency chicken barns, your postman or postwoman will learn an entirely new, challenging skillset, and you'll get fresh chicken every day."
In addition, as part of the initiative, the USDA has submitted to Congress a suggested amendment to the Oath of Allegiance to the United States taken by new U. S. citizens. "[The project] is about delivering chicken, but it's also about winning the hearts and minds," notes Breaker. "So we've suggested that the Oath become more of a two-way street. New citizens promise us their loyalty, and we promise them wholesome chicken."
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