||whole thing so far, release notes, chapter one, chapter two|
||front page, archive, timeline, most popular, undead celebrities, future news, future science gearbox, newest & most improved|
||about us, history, our founder, business model, investor relations, careers, corporate culture, as seen on|
||our products, research services, financial services, publications, dingo stroller|
||philosophy, temporal networking, forward intentional invention, interstitial public offering, time-money value inversion|
Apple Announces New Pink PiggyMac
May 8, 2045
CUPERTINO--With its customary flair for the dramatic, Apple computer announced Wednesday the back-to-school availability of the 'PiggyMac,' a bioengineered Macintosh computer embedded in a living, breathing piglet. "This little piggy does the markets/This little piggy's a phone," sang the cast of the hit Broadway musical 'The Sopranos' from behind a darkened scrim, onstage at the company's Cupertino amphitheater. "This little piggy's got the most beef/That Redmond piggy's got none."
Built into a proprietary toy breed of American Yorkshire, and reaching full size at little over two-and-a-half feet long and eighteen inches high at the shoulder, the PiggyMac is the latest salvo in an ongoing 'convergence' war between Apple and its rivals over conflicting visions of the best way to combine traditional computers and biotechnology in a form that is easy for customers to understand and use.
"The Piggy is a real shot across the bow," notes one industry observer. "They've really leapfrogged Microsoft and its cohorts. All the stuff I've seen out of Redmond is too component-ized. Sure, it's cool to have real slices of grey-matter right in your Wintel box, but that doesn't compare to a real pig; I mean, the vision is so much more complete."
Powered by a patented Distributed, Clustered-Cellular Processor designed and produced by Perdue Living Sciences of Concord, North Carolina, the PiggyMac runs entirely off of energy produced through the traditional, biological processes of digestion and cellular respiration. "Battery power? Too dirty! Solar power? Passe!" chanted Apple CEO Steve Jobs during the PiggyMac roll-out. "I've got slop power!"
Featuring an integrated, subcutaneous touch-type keyboard engineered from 'micro-knuckles' for full key articulation and biological compatibility, the PiggyMac comes complete with a high-resolution, 256-color, bioluminescent 'back-fat' screen and includes unparalleled natural-language processing and voice recognition that extends and focuses the pig's renown native intelligence. "I did like the keyboard," notes one early beta-tester. "It had a real organic feel, sort of a cross between phrenology and petting. But I have to tell you, that once the Piggy learned its name, and started following me around and understanding my voice, I was hooked."
Though bundled with standard business applications, including Excel and MS Word, the PiggyMac is initially targeted at the recreational and educational markets. "A pet is a natural interface, especially for learning," explains Apple VP of People's Affairs Kyle Youngishness. "What's the best way to interface with all the info out there on the network? Reading a screen? I don't think so. Nothing compares to having a cute, loving pet pig recite the Declaration of Independence to your kids. With the integrated Harman Kardon digital stereo vocal cords, that's what you'll get. Your kids will just eat it up."
Though final pricing information has not been released, the PiggyMac is expected to be "at or near the back-to-school pricepoint," and will be available for delivery to university and college campuses. The company plans release of spotted Pietrain, and snub-snouted Neijiang PiggyMacs early next year.
|questions? problems? : firstname.lastname@example.org|
|copyright 2000-2007, some rights reserved, Hamlet Monkeys
licensed under a creative commons license