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Exercising Athletes Undermine Drug Olympics
August 23, 2060

GENEVA--Hot on the heels of widespread charges that selected competitors' doses at this year's Olympic games had been 'cut' with various inactive ingredients, officials from the International Olympic Committee are responding to recent claims by both the U.S. and British teams that athletes from as many as 16 other countries have been engaging in illegal exercise regimens designed to increase their resistance to and ability to metabolize a number of competition-grade drugs. "We have been made aware of allegations of unapproved exercise," notes IOC spokesman Kipper Pecka. "We take such allegations very seriously and will investigate them vigorously and in accordance with established IOC procedures."

In recent weeks, a number of American and British athletes have made skeptical remarks to the press about opponents' exercise regimens.

Alistair Griffet, a world-record-holder in three separate huffing events, has remarked of the Taiwanese athlete known simply as 'Q': "I mean look at that guy; look at the lungs on him. You can just tell that he's been doing wind sprints for months to get ready for this."

Though somewhat ambiguous, IOC regulations prohibit competitors from pursuing any "program, system, or regimen of physical exercise designed to affect performance in a sanctioned, licensed, franchised, or participating competition." IOC guidelines based on the rule have developed what is known as the 'Armchair Athlete' standard, suggesting that competitors are not permitted to engage in any exercise beyond that typical of "the average resident of the 8 (eight) most industrialized countries."

Under pressure from a coalition of National Olympic Committees to clarify the 'Armchair' standard, the IOC released last year a list of 1,203 banned exercises, including "jogging," "sprinting," "jumping jacks," "deep knee-bends," "heavy lifting," "yoga," "stair-climbing," and "prolonged standing."

Despite these steps, most Olympic athletes remain skeptical, but resigned.

"They try to stop it, but what can you do?" asks Canadian Jennifer Loleaf, a contender in both the 5 and 10 gram Kibbles-n-bits. "I personally know that I'm going to be going up against a number of athletes that have done a lot more than smoke crack to get ready for this competition. But there's no room for excuses. It's just something I can think about to challenge myself more."

"Yeah," explains Henry Wong, U.S. favorite in the 10-minute Woolah. "Yeah, heh heh. It's all good."

Speaking for the IOC, Pecka promises a "rapid and just resolution" to all complaints, but confides that reports of illegal exercise are most likely excessive. "As with the recent allegations that doses in the 3-line and 4-line sprints had been cut with chalk by bribed officials, I suspect that there'll be nothing substantial behind these charges. People's imaginations get overexcited. The competition, the pressure, it's all very intense. People sometimes go more by what they want to believe of their opponents than by what they actually know about them."

Olympic competition is scheduled to conclude next Tuesday, with closing ceremonies slated for the following weekend.

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