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U.S. Federal Government to Move Offshore
February 3, 2047

NASSAU--In a bid to cut costs and enhance security the House of Representatives voted Tuesday to approve a Senate bill relocating both Congressional bodies to an unnamed offshore banking and tax haven. "The move is sure to result in immediate cost savings to the American people," notes Senator Janet Rent (D-Calif). "By moving to a tax haven we can cut payroll costs dramatically because we can reduce salaries without reducing take-home pay."

Following in the footsteps of the Supreme Court's relocation to Nassau, the Bahamas, the plan calls for Congress to take advantage of offshore banking and corporate secrecy laws to enhance security for top government decision-makers. "Just the way the Court set up blind trusts for each of the justices to protect their identities, we'll do the same for congresspeople and key staffers," explains Senator Rent. "My seat will technically be held by the 'First California Senatorial Seat Trust, IBC' and, during my term, I'll act through the Trust's registered agent as an anonymous, controlling shareholder. If nobody knows who we are nobody can threaten us."

The plan further calls for establishment of a special, standing committee within the Federal Election Commission to oversee the administration of blind trusts representing candidates for major offices. "The Commission supports this initiative as a way to disincentivize smear campaigning," notes FEC General Counsel Renee Majeur. "When your opponent is the Democratic Candidate for the Fifth District Trust you've got no real way to engage in negative campaigning. All you can talk about are the issues."

Operating offshore for the past four years, the Supreme Court reports few difficulties and has announced preliminary plans to begin moving Federal appellate courts offshore in the spring. "Being offshore has done wonders for our independence as judges," reports The Chief Justice Trust, IBC. "There were a few kinks at first, just working out the logistics of communication through the agents for the Trusts, but now we are truly free to offer neutral, disinterested rulings unaffected by improper political pressures."

Not to be outdone by the legislative and judicial branches, two executive agencies have indicated interest in moving operations offshore, including the Internal Revenue Service, which sees in the move a chance to engage tax-evaders on an equal footing. "They've been complaining for years about the use of offshore shells to hide and launder taxable revenues," notes Senator Rent. "Now [the IRS] will benefit from the same level of secrecy."

Critics of the offshore migration point reasonably to the threat it poses to public accountability. "Is there really such a thing as accountability when I don't know the real identity of my elected representative?" asks Democracy First spokesman Manuel Jig. "How will we even know that the same person controls an elected Trust for the whole term? This is the birth of a secret, faceless government, a government no longer of the people."

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