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Eisner Pummeled by Disney's Frozen Head
December 18, 2027

LOS ANGELES--Documents released Monday by the Walt Disney Company in the course of its defense against a wrongful death suit brought by the estate of its late Chairman and CEO reveal gruesome details of the executive's "accidental" death and confirm longtime rumors that the company has, for decades, maintained the frozen head of its founder in hopes that developments in medical science will enable his eventual resurrection. "This was a real double whammy," exclaims court journalist and veteran Disney-watcher Juan Yell. "I mean, to have all the 'frozen head' stuff turn out to be true after all these years, and then to have it so closely linked to Eisner's mysterious death, all I can say is 'wow!'"

According to memos produced by the company in response to legal requests by Eisner's estate, the company had sought to conceal details of the accident both "to maintain sensitivity to [Eisner's] family" and to "protect valuable trade secrecy RE proprietary attraction applications of certain quantum engineering developments and RE Project Bread." Transcripts of internal Disney debriefings further reveal that 'Project Bread' was code for the company's efforts to maintain, repair and eventually revive the cryogenically-preserved head of Walter E. Disney, while the head itself was known to insiders simply as 'the Bread.'

AV files released by the company, including footage of the accident itself captured by laboratory security cameras, document a day-long visit by Eisner to the company's top secret research facility. "There's some powerful footage in there," notes a source close to the plaintiff. "From what I've seen, Eisner was alone in this room where they keep the head, locked in there really because the security is so tight. He seemed to be looking at the head inside this case when BAM, the head comes shooting out like a rocket and hits him square in the face, knocking him over. Then the head just went ricocheting around the room like some crazy kind of bullet or something. He kept trying to get up and make it to the door, but the head just kept bouncing off the walls and hitting him, again and again and again. It was really brutal."

Central among the documents are files reportedly covering internal investigations of the accident and linking Eisner's death to the company's experimental development of technologies exploiting the bizarre phenomenon of quantum entanglement.

"In these files the company has as much as admitted its culpability," claims Eisner estate attorney Phineas Bustamente. "The company's Imagineers apparently developed a technology that permits two objects separated by significant distance to become 'entangled' with each other. There were a couple of projects based on this technology. One was an update of Space Mountain where riders in an open field would be 'entangled' with a remote coaster and sort of fly around on an invisible ride. The other had something to do with thawing the frozen head by applying heat to a pumpkin with which it was entangled. It appears that negligence by company employees lead the head to become entangled with a prototype roller coaster, transforming it into a deadly projectile."

While refusing to comment on particular documents, a spokesman for Disney called the suit "irresponsibly speculative" and denied that Eisner's death was anything but an "unfortunate and tragic accident."

Contacted about the possibility that his former patient's death was caused by repeated, high-speed blows by a frozen, quantum-entangled head, Eisner's personal physician deferred conclusory comment, but remarked that a head, if frozen, could produce injury like that of a "cannonball" and that Eisner's "multiple, fatal traumas were consistent with such an instrument."

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