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Sperm Warfare 'Realistic Threat,' Study Concludes
February 14, 2012

SANTA MONICA--A recently released RAND Corporation study identifies Sperm Warfare tactics as the most "realistic threat to the morale of American Troops deployed in forward and danger areas." The report, commissioned by the U. S. Department of Defense, calls for U. S. officials to seek emendations to the International Biological Weapons Convention clarifying the weapons status of reproductive gene therapies.

Sperm Warfare tactics involve the strategic deployment of aerosol-borne, non-pathological, asymptomatic "Cuckoo" viruses affecting the genetic content of human spermatozoa. The "Cuckoos" lurk in the vas deferens, attacking newly formed sperm cells and replacing their genetic material with DNA designated by the virus programmer. In the eyes of proponents, these "Cuckoos" do no "damage" and are not "weapons" covered by the Convention because they merely replace the victim's DNA with the complete, healthy DNA of another man.

"Sperm Warfare really is more a form of propaganda than of physical attack," explains RAND research associate Tigre Fielding. "It targets morale. You let the enemy know that you are using these tactics--announce that all of their children will, genetically, be related to somebody from the other side, even to some enemy leader--then deploy the cuckoos secretly. Soldiers might hesitate before killing the fathers of their own children. Either that or they'll be afraid of having to raise a brood of little Hitlers later on."

Originally developed as a "peace keeping" technology to be deployed in regions threatened with ethnic and racial violence, customized "Cuckoo" viruses with "offensive functionality" are reportedly either in production or under development in military labs worldwide. Refined versions of the viruses more effectively evade detection both during deployment and once inside the body. The RAND report warns additionally of a new class of "Stealth Cuckoos" that piggyback on reproductive cells, camouflaging their genetic contents with a "ghost" copy of the original DNA accurate enough to fool most widely available genetic tests.

Defense Department officials responded to the RAND report by issuing a new set of standing orders and practices to be followed in the event a Sperm Warfare attack is indicated. Soldiers in affected zones immediately don protective masks and manually induce ejaculation until given the all clear. Ejaculation in the minutes after exposure has been reported to dramatically decrease infection rates.

Asked about the new orders, most soldiers declared themselves resolved to do their duty. "You get over the awkwardness of the situation pretty quickly," explains Pvt. Jake Reede. "We have to do what we have to do to respond to the threat. My only real problem is the constant drilling. I'm worn out."

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