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FeedBank Launches Inter-Temporal Intra-Personal Banking Portal
October 21, 2157
GRAND CAYMAN--FeedBank, the banking subsidiary of research and financial services conglomerate Futurefeedforward, announced today the availability of Chronocents, the first internet banking portal dedicated to facilitating transactions between customers' present-day and future-side accounts. "We're proud to be pioneering this market space," declares FeedBank VP of Operations Nancy Beely. "For the first time consumers will be able to transfer funds from future deposits to their present-side accounts, and vice-versa."
Inter-Temporal Intra-Personal banking--"IT/IP" as it's known in the trade--has been hailed by proponents as a re-invigorating paradigm-shift for the staid banking industry, and dismissed by critics as, in the words of Fed Chairwoman Rebecca Deeferper, a "dangerous joke" and "quite possibly fraudulent."
IT/IP exploits "temporal networking," a proprietary data communications technology developed by FeedBank's parent company. Temporal networks permit the transmission of data between the future and the present by means of "retrograde quantum effects." In the case of IT/IP, this data includes financial transactions between present-day accountholders and their future accounts.
"For us, the trick was in figuring out how to handle Intra-Personal fund movements," explains FeedBank's Beely. "We've been working successfully with temporal technologies since our founding, but consumer Intra-Personal transactions proved more complex than we initially thought."
To enable IT/IP, FeedBank defines for each customer a Personal Monetary Marketplace, or PMM. Each "temporal instantiation" of the customer acts as a buyer or seller in the market, and the dynamics of a customer's PMM defines, over time, a Personal Exchange Rate. Beely explains: "In order to achieve market-style efficiencies, we set up a market in which a customer at any given point in time bids on funds. In essence, customers sell their own money to themselves, but with the added benefit that the customer gets the optimal amount of capital when they need it most. It works just like international currency markets, but here all of the market players are you at different points in time."
Regulatory and industry officials have shown little inclination to respond to the challenges IT/IP is sure to make to the banking establishment. "Most of them are very old-school," notes Jupiter analyst Marcus Gee. "They just don't get the scope of the revolution. Temporal borders don't matter anymore, and the financial world has got to re-invent itself. FeedBank is part of that process. We're maintaining a 'super duper buy' rating."
When reached for comment, International Generally Accepted Accounting Principles Czar Terry Fishfish remarked that the accounting body had "no comment on what [FeedBank] is doing other than to warn consumers not to get involved in financial schemes that lack sufficient public oversight." U.S. IRS spokesman Finny Marinoffal was less circumspect: "There's a reason they're so offshore," he pointed out on a recent conference call. "They don't want to make it easy for us to figure out the tax implications of their schemes. Taxpayers proceed at their own risk, at least as far as my office is concerned."
"We have made every effort to assist GAAP and relevant tax officials in defining appropriate policy concerning our products," explains FeedBank's Beely. "They were utterly unreceptive to our innovations and left us with no choice but to go offshore. The launch of Chronocents should be a wakeup call for them, a shot across the bow of the establishment. Regulators have got to adapt, or go the way of the dinosaur."
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