Consumer Capitalism Defective, U.S. Issues Recall

Dec. 14, 2050
WASHINGTON DC–The U.S. National Intellectual Property Trust today issued a formal recall of all licenses issued under its patents covering consumerism, consumer capitalism, and consumer federalism. Responding to questions concerning the timing of the recall, Trust spokesman Franklin Dolte noted that “we at the Trust have decided to take aggressive and proactive measures to address several independent but uncorroborated reports of side effects associated with some of our more widely licensed proprietary ideologies. Experts are examining the processes in question and we anticipate returning consumerism to full use in good order. But our customers and their citizens are our first concern and so we’re taking steps now to initiate a recall just to be on the safe side.”

Among the first of the controversial ‘social process’ or ‘ideology’ patents issued under rules promulgated by the WIPO six years ago, the U.S. patent on consumerism and related “democratic social and cultural processes” has been among the most lucrative patents in the U.S. portfolio. Licensees include some 1822 local, provincial, and national sovereignties, the majority of which hold site licenses paying royalties tied to domestic and local GDP, with the remainder holding seat licenses billed on a sliding scale with discounts for ‘temporary’ seats assigned to non-resident aliens and escaped or furloughed penitentiarents.

Recently the U.S. Trust has sought to expand the market for its consumerism patents by pursuing the private-sector. The Trust’s Dolte explains: “This technology sells itself. The real task before us is not to convince multi-nationals to make use of our proprietary ideologies, but just to negotiate the terms under which they will pay for the property they are already using.”[p]
Long-time rumors of defects in consumer capitalism, including accelerating income disparities and “environmentally negative externalities” lead the U.S. Trust to compile a 1200 page disclaimer issued and exhaustively counter-signed by each of its licensees. “Diarrhea,” “mouth-breathing,” and “TV” are among the more than 100,000 disclosed potential side-effects. Absent from the disclaimer, however, is the risk of an increase in what social scientists have come to call “atomic nesting.”

“Atomic nesting is directly related to dramatic increases in the production and availability of household appliances,” explains MIT Professor Emeritus Ricky Spongue. “All of those appliances need places to live. In order to maximize their habitat, they entice individuals to set up solitary households. The result is that more and more people live alone, and that is not necessarily a desirable social outcome.”

Responding to questions linking the recall to reported increases in atomic nesting in licensee communities, Trust spokesman Dolte declined specific comment. “This is a general recall to examine any and all safety issues,” he noted. “Our license agreements provide for recalls of this sort. Licensees are free to revert to pre-consumer ideologies and social structures until we’ve reaffirmed that consumerism is safe for our customers and their citizens.”