Crime Does Pay: GDP Revised to Include Property Crime

Jan. 2, 2045
WASHINGTON DC–Officials at the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis, a division of the Department of Commerce responsible for calculating Gross Domestic Product, a measure of economic activity, recently decided to include the value of all property crimes in the important measurement. Minutes of December meetings among executive officials reveal that key members of the Bureau had reached a broad consensus on the inclusion of the figures, which are quite high and, after revision of calculations of GDP for past years, reveal a staggering growth rate in the past 40 years.

Harvard economics professor W. Earnest Peak explained at a recent advisors meeting that “property crime-chiefly theft, but also graft, bribery, and embezzlement-should be viewed as services akin to those offered by professionals in the legal, medical, and psychotherapeutic industries.”

It seems that property crime, when calculated as a component of GDP, offers a particularly great boost because the service involved, while fairly risky to practitioners, has a particularly high rate of return, dwarfing even the fat margins enjoyed by software conglomerates. Property crime, as an industry, also enjoys a low barrier-to-entry. Though not everyone can easily engage in high-level political graft, the average, young entrepreneur can begin snatching purses, and executing home invasion burglaries with a nearly insignificant initial capital outlay.

While the inclusion of property crime values in revised calculations of historical GDP has shown a much greater rate of growth over recent decades than was previously thought, it has also radically altered views of historic, non-inflationary growth during the late 20th and early 21st centuries. The widely venerated leadership of long-time U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is cast in a different light.

While economists have historically credited Chairman Greenspan with facilitating a sustainable, non-inflationary growth rate significantly higher than was thought conventionally possible, they now recognize that the concurrent and precipitous decline in property crime rates was what permitted the apparently impossibly high growth rates. “What we thought was very high growth was actually, in context, pretty tame,” noted a Commerce Department spokesman. ” Inflation was kept under control because of the collapse of the crime industry nation-wide.”

No administration official will go on the record calling for an increase in theft to stimulate the economy, but most acknowledge privately that they are doing what they can to ensure that graft and bribery rates remain high. Barring a groundswell in grassroots shoplifting and petty theft, however, the activities of a few officials can do little by themselves to resuscitate the economy. “Let’s hope for a good Christmas season; there’s always lots to steal around the holidays,” offered an unnamed Commerce attorney participating in the decision.

New Company Tells Future, Sells Future

Sept. 1, 2000
NEW HAVEN–Futurefeedforward, a young start-up company in southern Connecticut, publicly announced today that it has established a computer networking link to the future. The company’s Temporal Networking technology enables it to directly gather information about the future from databases located in the future and linked to present day computers in its New Haven offices. The company reports that by eventually building extensive databases in the future containing information about events between now and the future, and by networking “ForwardServers” with “present-side clients,” it has gained unprecedented access to information about the future.

“The commercial possibilities are literally endless,” notes a company spokesperson. “One simple example: Marketers can improve the effectiveness of advertising campaigns by targeting only those consumers who will eventually buy what they’re selling.”

Although the exact nature of the technology remains a secret, company materials claim that information can be encoded in “wave packets” traveling back in time on “retrograde quantum effects.” A present-day “black box” device collects and decodes these packets, producing usable, present-day information about future events.

Company founder Redroe “Red” Boudaine invented the technology and established the company to develop and exploit its commercial possibilities.

The company currently offers financial and research services to the industrial, commercial, and consumer markets.

Its research division, predictably, touts its ability to produce unequalled and unequallable analyses of future trends; but its financial services division aims to profit by selling money below its current value. “Money wants to be free!” declares CEO Boudaine.

Prominent banking officials doubt the viability of a business which sells money below cost. “If I sell you $1 million for, say, $900,000, that’s just not a business, that’s a bankruptcy waiting to happen,” noted a Federal Reserve spokeswoman.

Boudaine remains undaunted: “It’s not that banking officials are behind-the-times; it’s just that we are ahead, looking decades, centuries, even millennia into the future. They may refuse to accept our vision now, but, eventually, we will own them, all of them.”

The company’s web-presence at regularly publishes news about future events in an attempt to “spread the word about the company” and to “build our brand.”