Nanotubetops Enable XXXFL

Feb. 11, 2016
MIAMI–Recently released details concerning Fox Studio’s planned May launch of the XXXFL confirms that players will be outfitted with high-tech, mesh nanotube uniforms designed by Fox Labs scientists in collaboration with researchers at IBM and Stanford University. “We’re very excited about the XXXFL and about the innovative technology that will make it the hottest new sport since Survivor,” explains Fox Sports Programming VP Jerry Reale. “These new uniforms offer superior injury-protection to the players and still let us bring you the first all nude full-contact sport. This is another perfect example of cutting-edge technology enabling great TV.”

Constructed of bundled and twisted-pair carbon nanotube fibers, the uniforms are the first to realize the promise of years of applied “nanogarment” research. “I pioneered the whole field of nanogarments years ago with a simple goal,” notes Stanford Professor of Nanoscience Lars Figgs, “I simply wanted to design the skimpiest garment possible. After some early missteps, I had a paradigm-shaking realization. Rather than enhancing skimpiness by minimizing coverage, I could, instead, engineer garments that covered most of the body but which were made of a nano-scale mesh effectively invisible to the human eye. Nano-mesh garments both maximize exposure and, when tailored, offer superior body-sculpting support.”

The invisible mesh of the XXXFL nanogarment uniforms protects players from injury during the games’ rambunctious “downs” by exploiting the superior strength of carbon nanotube fibers, engineered versions of which enjoy nearly 1000 times the strength of steel at one tenth the weight. “Because the XXXFL is a full-contact, co-ed sport, we were looking for an equipment solution which would offer some equalizing protection to our smaller players,” explains Fox’s Reale. “The piezoelectric joints and seams absorb tackling impact, reducing the advantage of brute force. And, the push-up tubetops and codpieces make sure the players always look hot.”

The uniforms have also been designed to take advantage of some of the semi-conducting properties of nanotubes. Powered by piezoelectric “buckyball-and-joint” nodes, the uniforms act as wireless, wearable computers, offering full player motion-capture and high-resolution impact-capture. “By the end of this first season, or, at the latest, the beginning of the next, we’ll release full-contact immersion uniforms for home viewers under the ‘NakedI’ label,” notes Reale. “Through Fox, you’ll be able to subscribe to your favorite players, and, once you’re online, we’ll send the impact data to you realtime. When Rod Steele or Lily Lush get tackled, you’ll feel it at home just the way they do on the field.”

The XXXFL uniforms also implement nanotube based Field Emission Displays (FED) that emit colored light in response to impact and body heat. “When players are hit, you’ll see kaleidoscopes of color dance across our bodies,” explains a uniform-demonstrating player from the Miami Goo Fighters. “When we’re injured or flushed, you’ll see that too.”

Responding to critics, Fox’s Reale is quick to point to the history of sport for precedent: “Some people have said that the XXXFL is exploitative and that it’s not a real sport, but look at the Olympics. Classically, Olympians competed in the nude. Sports is a celebration of the human body, and that’s what the XXXFL is too.”

The XXXFL season is scheduled to begin May 15 when the Tennessee T&A play the Dallas Drillers in Enron Arena.

‘Mouth-in-Mouth’ Disease Decimates House, Senate

Oct. 31, 2014
WASHINGTON DC–The mysterious disorder that has afflicted more than a dozen members of the U.S. Senate has recently spread to the House of Representatives where 42 new cases were reported during the past two weeks. Known as ‘Mouth-in-Mouth,’ the disease interferes with the ability to speak, alternately causing “unwanted” speech and preventing victims from speaking at all. “This is killing our effectiveness,” notes House Appropriations Committee Staff Counsel Judy Ale. “Governing is a verbal process. When Members can’t speak, the work of governing doesn’t get done.”

Mouth-in-Mouth, formally known as Uvular Alter-Mandibular Tourette-Variant Disorder (“UAT”), causes a secondary, toothless “mouth” to form in the back of mouth, around the posterior border of the soft palate. Through interaction with both involuntary and speech centers of the brain, this second mouth causes sometimes explosive and inappropriate speech. Dr. Jules Nobe of Johns Hopkins Medical Center explains: “The UAT ‘mouth,’ though not, anatomically, a true mouth, develops neuro-muscular structures of surprising complexity, complex enough to, in effect, speak.”

Control of the UAT mouth, however, remains entirely involuntary. Dr. Nobe continues: “The peculiar thing about the unwanted speech associated with Mouth-in-Mouth is how sensitive it is to the conscious, ‘sub-conscious,’ and ‘unconscious’ sentiments of the victim. Most other forms of unwanted speech are context insensitive, but UAT speech appears to articulate thoughts that victims intend to keep secret. And UAT seems particularly sensitive to prevarication. When UAT sufferers try to fib, even just to exaggerate, the UAT mouth intervenes and causes them, instead, to speak the ‘truth.'”

Though little is yet known about the causes of Mouth-in-Mouth, researchers speculate that it is caused by a ‘Distributed Emergent Viral Entity’ (“DEVE”), a class of mutagenic viruses responsible for coordinated physiological and behavioral symptoms. “DEVEs are a perplexing new development,” explains CDC Epidemiologist Harriet Suit. “They affect complex, higher-order behaviors in such a sophisticated and seemingly guided way that we suspect that they possess some sort of collective intelligence. Looking at Mouth-in-Mouth, for instance, we keep asking ourselves why it is only striking members of Congress. Is it just that we can’t figure out the infecting vector, or is there something else going on?”

Reacting to the spreading infection, some Members of the House have proposed draconian containment measures. The House Rules Committee is currently considering a measure requiring the destruction of all affected Members and of all unaffected Members serving on sub-committees with affected Members. The measures call for immediate incineration of Congressional carcasses. “We’ve got to take serious steps to contain Mouth-in-Mouth,” exclaims Rep. Brian Dolte (R-Nebraska). “We’ve got to cut out the infection before it spreads and topples the whole government.”

At least one afflicted Senator, however, is looking on the bright side: “I’ve noticed at least some special benefits,” explains ranking Senate Republican Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). “Little ‘o’, that’s what I call my other mouth, sings pretty good harmony with my regular mouth, which is great for my music career. You should hear us do Amazing Grace. He doesn’t always sing the right words, but he sounds great.”

Toddler’s Conviction Upheld, Execution Looms

April 11, 2088
Tallahassee FL–A divided Florida Supreme Court today upheld the capital murder conviction of two-year old Jake Fritter, permitting the state to proceed with its plans to execute him at 12:01 am on May 1st.

A jury convicted Fritter last January of the murder of two Dade County police officers during a foiled convenience store robbery, a robbery that was not to have taken place for nearly 30 years. Under controversial new evidence rules, the prosecution introduced detailed evidence of Fritter’s future crimes obtained through use of “temporal networking” equipment supplied by research and financial services giant Futurefeedforward. “This is a big ruling for the good guys,” notes Assistant District Attorney Gerry Freon. “With the admissibility of evidence like this, we’ll be able to prosecute perpetrators before they’ve committed their crimes, increasing the effectiveness of the System in deterring crime and saving the victims from unneeded suffering.”

The evidence that convicted Fritter, including high-resolution surveillance videos of the crime, was obtained using special computer networking equipment that permits communication between present-day and “future-side” computers. “The evidence was of the best quality imaginable, very detailed, very concrete, very graphic,” explains Freon. “It wasn’t really as difficult as we anticipated to persuade the jury of the reality of a crime which hadn’t yet happened. The real trick was to establish identity, to convince the jury that the cute little toddler they saw at the defense table was the same person they saw, thirty years older, in the video evidence.”

Speaking at a press conference after the ruling, Fritter defense attorney Lillian Cree descried the Court’s validation of the use of evidence of future crimes and vowed to appeal the case to the U.S. Supreme Court. “This is a travesty, yet another case of the accused being persecuted because the legal system doesn’t yet know how to deal with a new technology. We haven’t yet had a chance for deliberate, democratic dialog on the weight that should be afforded evidence of this sort. My client has been convicted on the basis of evidence of a crime that, if the sentence is carried out, we know will never happen. Is that justice?”

“It’s not as confusing as the defense wants us to think,” retorts ADA Freon. “We can’t very well ignore a crime we know is going to happen. To do so would make us accessories of a sort. The fact that a proactive prosecution prevents the underlying crime justifies the sentence that much more. The challenge presented by a case like this is more subtle. Because establishing identity was so essential to the case, we were able to justify delving into a number of Fritter’s ‘prior bad acts.’ We had to construct his entire future criminal career, create a sort of ‘chain of custody,’ in order to prove that the perp in the tapes is the Fritter we have in custody today. That let the jury hear lots of things about him that they probably wouldn’t have normally heard. In this case it was justified, but would it be so in all cases? I don’t know.”

Fritter’s case has spawned a storm of litigation involving Futurefeedforward, the supplier of the temporal network used to gather evidence against Fritter. “Our contract with the State of Florida specifically prohibits use of our system for purposes of this sort,” notes a company spokesman. “The State is in breach of the licensing agreement, and we have initiated suit to compel Florida to live up to its commitments.” In addition to commercial suits against Dade County and the State of Florida, the company is also contesting a host of subpoenas from prosecutors around the country seeking evidence of future crimes.

Fritter’s mother, Abigail Fritter, returning from a court-authorized visit to her son’s death row cell, broke down. “He seems to be holding up pretty well. He’s got his ‘blankie.’ I asked him did he want anything. He just looked at me and said ‘Happy Meal.’ […] Is this right? Is this America? Jake’s going to die for killing somebody who hasn’t even been born yet. I heard they asked for a warrant before Jakey was even born. This is wrong. This is evil. I’m not going to let this happen!”

Inside Florida State Prison, death row officials have begun construction of a miniature electric chair to accommodate Fritter.

U.S. a Monopoly, Breakup Decreed

June 7, 2059
WASHINGTON DC–Federal District Judge Lydia Peezer today handed down her much-anticipated Final Judgment in the landmark U.S. v. U.S. anti-trust case. As widely expected, Judge Peezer endorsed the Department of Justice’s complex divestiture plan, calling for the country to be divided into three independent geographic regions, each consisting of four autonomous “operational units.”

Speaking from the bench and citing the Findings of Fact she issued in the case last November, Judge Peezer declared that the “[United States] Federal Government has consistently abused its monopoly control of U.S. currency to the detriment of consumers, both foreign and domestic.” The 132-page Memorandum of Final Judgment cited in particular an earlier finding that U.S. control of worldwide wealth amounted to “monopoly power through market dominance,” and that the U.S. had abused that power by eliminating capital flows to competitive countries and industries.

“The U.S. has a long history of politically motivated spending internationally,” explains Edgard Tree, Director of FRONT, an international coalition of governments and non-governmental organizations. “There are better, more efficient governments and ideologies out there that get stifled because of U. S. control of international capital. New ideas can’t get any backing unless the U.S. approves, and nobody dares to break ranks for fear of retaliation.”

Analysts identify two key turning points in the three-year-old case: the emergence last year of a “smoking gun” report, and the evasive testimony of Senate Majority Leader Freddie Prinze Jr. The report in question, issued by the U. S. NSA, identified “transnational ‘gypsy,’ nomadic, and ‘open source’ social organizations” as the “most tangible present threat to U.S. political hegemony” and called for associated U. S. agencies to “cut off their air supply” by isolating the “vagrants” from world financial markets.

The complex divestiture plan calls for division of the U. S. into three new sponsored jurisdictions, the Microsoft Northwest, the GE Seaboard, and Enron MiddleAmerica. Governmental power in each region is further to be segregated into four units, each with independent representational structures and taxing powers. The four “operational units” include a Division of Labor and Correctional Services, an Inter-Non-Governmental Regularization and Exchange Bureau, a Ministry of Consumers, and an Intellectual Property Preservation Trust. At the time of the decree, Judge Peezer issued a stay halting divestiture pending appeals review of the decision.

Mainstream critics of the decision point to its impact on the “separation of powers” written into the U. S. Constitution. “What this decision seems to say is that the courts have the power to rewrite the Constitution,” exclaims DNC Chair Arthur Pile. “This is judicial activism of the worst sort.”

Others identify U. S. corporate interests behind the decision. “The ‘judicial activism’ thing is a red herring,” explains Julie Priest, director of the U.N. Project on Corporate Sovereignty. “It’s really more a question of executive pacifism. Why is it that the President is permitting the Justice Department to pursue a case like this? Well, Microsoft has been pushing this thing from the beginning, including unprecedented spending during the last election cycle. The break-up plan gives those guys what they’ve always wanted: their own country.”

U. S. citizens with questions concerning the divestiture should direct them to the Transition Office at the Federal Trade Commission in Washington DC.