Socal Skyfires Scorch Subprime Skytellites

October 18, 2018
RIVERSIDE–City and county fire officials admitted Thursday that 14 of the reported 22 skyfires burning in and around Riverside county remain untamed this evening. “Crews continue to work through the night,” explains Fire Chief Lacey Birnier. “I’m told that some 400 homes have been damaged or destroyed, and that another 1,200 are threatened. Our people know what’s at stake, and, to the man, not one has faltered. The next 24 to 48 hours will determine whether these fires can be contained.”

The airborne fires, some of which have burned for more than nine days, are fueled by thermobaric clouds of atomized landfill and other condensing nano-particulates disbursed into the upper atmosphere by disposal units commonly used in the county’s tethered, low-earth-orbit neighborhoods. The roiling clouds of burning waste-vapor have been described by local witnesses as both “apocalyptic” and “breathtaking.” “I mean, I’ve seen the entire rainbow in those fires,” notes William Lennox, 43, a Plato Verde dentist and father of two. “The heat is incredible, and the smell, but the colors are really what gets you. The sky is literally burning, but the colors are just amazing.”

Though falling cinders have resulted in small, sporadic fires in the county’s traditional neighborhoods, the destruction has been concentrated chiefly in three of Riverside’s many skytellite developments. The developments consist of groups of low-earth-orbit tract homes commonly sharing a carbon-wire tether which anchors them to the county’s taxbase and supports a commuting elevator which also ferries freight and essential supplies.

Built as an inexpensive alternative for middle-class families in the inland’s overheated real estate market, many of the homes were financed with risky “subprime” financing. “The interesting thing about these inexpensive ‘skytellite’ homes is just how expensive they really were,” explains Cal State City of Industry Professor of Finance Jumra Stone. “Because of widespread contractor expense overruns associated with the difficulty of sub-orbital construction, the typical three-bedroom ranch house with a quarter-acre lawn cost the owner five to seven times more per square foot than a conventional home, requiring most purchasers to seek out riskier subprime loans.”

Temporary negotiation camps have been constructed by the Red Cross in nearby Orange County to house the teams of mortgage and insurance adjusters expected to assemble in coming days to assess the impact of the fires on lending institutions and the companies that insure them and the homes whose purchases they have financed. “We have a good supply of blankets, coffee, and document scanners,” notes the Red Cross’s David Wenk. “Green tents will house the mortgage guys, khaki tents for insurance, and, over there, the red tents for the lawyers. We should have plenty of cots for everybody.”

Who is Satchel Pincher?

November 22, 2004
WASHINGTON DC–Futurefeedforward is proud to announce the availability of the second chapter in the chronicle of its rise to power. In this chapter, the company’s General Counsel, one Satchel Pincher, makes a spectacle of himself, but to what purpose? We sat down with Mr. Pincher to discuss his new-found fame.

FFF: So, how are you holding up? Is this fame thing getting you down.

SP: Do you know me? [laughs] No, seriously, do you know me?

FFF: Everybody knows you Satchel. C’mon, tell us what it’s like.

SP: Well, have you ever been on TV, but you were wearing a big chipmunk costume, a big fake head and all? Maybe you hosted a popular children’s show, or a call-in religious show where you laid hands on people, but in the chipmunk suit. So all these kids love you, and all these sick people worship you, but nobody knows what you look like. That’s how it is.

FFF: Interesting. Well, have you learned anything from the experience?

SP: Yeah. Whatever you do, don’t take the chipmunk head off.

FFF: Thanks, Satchel.

SP: No problem.

What Ever Happened to Futurefeedforward?

October 10, 2004
WASHINGTON DC–Temporal services and research start-up Futurefeedforward announced today the availability of the beta version of the first chapter from the eponymous chronicle of the company’s rise to power and economic splendor.

“This is an important step forward for the company,” reported Futurefeedforward’s enigmatic founder and CEO Redroe Boudaine. “We’ve been in a year-long quiet period. It feels good to finally break the silence.”

Interested beta testers are directed to download the latest version of Futurefeedforward.

Wal-Mart Opens First ‘All You Can Live’ Township

March 11, 2020
WALTON, OH–Officials of the Wal-Mart Corporation announced Thursday the opening of Walton Township, a company designed and managed subdivision on the outskirts of Cleveland, Ohio. Walton, the first of three Wal-Mart communities scheduled to open this year, introduces residents to the company’s new ‘all you can live’ consumer goods subscription service. “Beyond its quality environment and top-notch municipal services, Walton represents our first serious foray into flat-fee provision of consumer products,” explains Michael Elmoere, Wal-Mart VP of Intra-Regional Logistics and First Regent of Walton Township. “It’s a 21st century horn-of-plenty, all for one no-fuss monthly fee.”

Taking advantage of the company’s superior purchasing power and its much-vaunted just-in-time inventory management systems, Walton guarantees its residents a literally bottomless supply of the staple consumer goods with which Wal-Mart is commonly associated. “As much Windex as you want,” boasts Elmoere. “As many Cheetos and Glad garbage bags. Imagine, every need satisfied.” And the company is willing to stand behind its promises, integrating a ‘100% availability guarantee’ covering more than 1,200 common household goods into Walton’s town charter. “If it’s in the charter, and it’s not available, we’ll pay you the cost of a replacement good, plus 10%. Guaranteed.”

Walton Township’s initial phase, designed by the Arkansas firm Furst + Femble-Grieg, includes 118 ranch-style single-family dwellings arranged on meandering, pedestrian-friendly avenues radiating from a central town hall and distribution center. “The key to Walton is a literal superimposition of municipal and retail channels,” notes Valerie Femble-Grieg, a principal of the firm. “Our goal was to achieve a resonant harmony between the traditional idiom of the town center and the particular expertise of Wal-Mart in designing distribution networks. The Walton town center is a great central hearth, a hearth of great bounty.”

In an effort to control ‘leakage,’ the export of flat-fee goods outside the Township by community subscribers, Wal-Mart plans to institute a pervasive inventory control system consisting of miniature radio-frequency tags broadcasting unique product and batch ID numbers. “We accept that we cannot control leakage absolutely, but, frankly, our focus research indicates that it may be less of a problem than most expect,” explains Elmoere. “Most of the problem is solved by allocating ‘guest-minutes’ to each of the residents for friends and family. The real goal is less total inventory awareness than designing a subscription service that satisfies people’s real needs.”

Reaction to the Township in the retail community has been mixed. “It is a daring concept,” admits Loki Jonones, Merchandising Director at Federated Lifestyle Enterprises. “But it doesn’t make sense at all price points, at all levels in the value chain.”

Elmoere reports that the results of initial marketing efforts have surpassed the company’s modest expectations. “This is a radical new pricing structure for us,” admits Elmoere. “And, frankly, we expected initial response to be slow as consumers digested the possibilities. But Walton is currently over-subscribed, and we’ve got 14 families scheduled for move-in this week.”